Happy greetings everyone.ย
I got my new BRP photo, in case you were panicking, and while itโs not awfulโฆ I do look like a Latvian spy.ย
Letโs newsletter.
๐ SWEETIE RATES ๐
Pony up
Ariana Grande is continuing her album/affair justification publicity tour by dropping a remix of her song the boy is mine featuring Brandy and Monica โ for obvious reasons. Now, if I were Ariana Grande, instead of bringing two millennial icons onto my remix for the novelty of it all, I would have called my song something else and not ruined the perfectly good SEO of a perfectly good song from the noughties. But thatโs just me.ย
THIS version of the boy is mine is meant to be a clapback of sorts to people saying her romance with Ethan Slater began well before they both respectively divorced their spousesโฆ And baby, Iโm applauding. The lyrics in the remix, delivered by both Ariana and Monica, are a masterclass in manipulation via pop song, in death by semantics.ย
I'll show you accountability and empathy and sympathy
How could you still be so disillusioned after all of this time, time?
I told you once before, I'll tell you once more, the boy is still mine, mine
Yeah, said he wanna make plans with me, but I don't fuck with affairs, you see (I know)
But listen what they say to me, โif it ain't broke, then it can't be brokenโ (Be broken)
Well, he better sort out his business, 'cause I'll never be nobody's mistress (I know, I know, I know)
Mine, mine, mine
But I can't ignore my heart, boy
Itโs not that deep. It just makes me tee-hee. No, we didnโt have an affair, we had an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, thereโs a DIFFERENCE, oKAY? I wasnโt his side piece, I was just his main piece that was waiting on the side for a little while. Like a Wagyu steak. Or Jude Bellingham at minute 68. Weaponized therapy speech, you will be dealt with.ย
Somebody get MENSA on the horn
Keeping up with the news RE the disappearance of Jay Slater = sad. Keeping up with the Facebook sleuths who have assigned themselves to the Jay Slater case = life-affirming.ย
Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Food for thot
Iโm not going to lie, this tweet radicalised me. It changed me on an atomic level. I fear three things in life: amphibians, Carrot Top, and the concept of settling romantically.ย
๐ SWEETIE HATESย ๐
Merry Griftmas
Step aside, Miuccia. Forget you, Michele. M.I.A (you might remember her from her two songs) is about to be everyoneโs favourite new designer. She has debuted her new fashion line, Ohmni, on conspiracy theorist Alex Jonesโ show Infowars โ the programme where I get all my gay-frog related news.ย
It makes sense that M.I.A chose Infowars to get the word out about her brand. Firstly, she has kind-of been on Alex Jonesโ side since at least 2022, when she responded to his $956M Sandy Hook defamation suit with a kind-of-but-not-really related tweet.
Secondly, Alex Jones has made an insane amount of money through the various products sold through Infowars โ at one point raking in $165 million from the showโs store over a three year period. Itโs just good business sense on M.I.Aโs behalf โ if you were looking to sell slop, of course your first stop would be the sty.ย
But what IS Ohmni, you ask? Well, according to the brandโs manifesto, โOHMNI is your last frontier at preserving your privacy, autonomy, and rights over your body and your data.โ Alrighty.ย
The manifesto also asserts that โโโFuture backwards is R U TUFโ, which isnโt super relatable to anything, I just think itโs funny in an r/im14andthisisdeep kind of way.ย
With (unfortunately swaggy) the clothes and accessories are allegedly made from pure metals (?) and each item is supposed to block GPS location tracking, radiation, bluetooth electromagnetic waves from Wi-Fi, 3G, 46 and 5G and more. I will not be purchasing the literal tin foil hat, nor the $200 Backstreet Boys-esque โData Protection Dumpโ bag, but not because I got the covid vaccine four times, just because I am personally more of a gold girl. I just know Grimes is furious she didnโt think of this first.ย
Zip it
Not to sound like Jerry Zionfeld, but whatโs the DEAL with men walking out of public bathrooms mid-zippering? I feel like everywhere I turn in the park, in the pub, in a restaurant, in the shops, my eyes are assaulted by a familiar scene. The man, usually of the middle-aged variety, will walk out of the toi-toi and either zip up his fly mid-stride, or grope around the front of his trousers to make sure that itโs already been closed. I hate and am flummoxed by it every time, and now that Iโve noticed it, I canโt stop seeing it everywhere.ย
ย I donโt know if this can be chalked up to yet another display of post-pandemic manner decay, but hereโs my tip: try checking that your fly is up BEFORE you leave the bathroom. Please donโt subject the general public to a lackadaisical patting down of your penis. Your warm, half-drunk Estrella isnโt going to lift off and ascend to the heavens if you take an extra second to successfully contain your bits. Promise.ย
Will you stop
Wills, dance if your family has profited ยฃ60M in the last decade from bona vacantia via the Duchy of Lancaster!
Coincidentally, taking money from dead people with next of kin is the only way I also would have been able to afford tickets to The Eras Tour.ย
Bye bye now ๐