Seasonβs greetins
Typing this with oily fingers β I just ate a snack I was ~influenced~ to try from TikTok and it really delivered. Tinned mussels, Lao Gan Ma and lemon juice with hot buttered bread. I used whipped butter. Dangerously good. Might write about it in my diary.
Itβs fuelled me for yet another SWEETIE Weekly. So, with no further ado.
π SWEETIE RATES π
Jewel And Kevin Costner
You know what? Who cares anymore. Sure, letβs have Jewel and Kevin Costner date. And Kelis and Bill Murray. And Sabrina Carpenter and Barry Keough. I hope she enjoys The Killing of a Sacred Deer. And Jeremy Allen White and RosalΓa. And Ariana Grande and Broadway Spongebob. Nothing makes sense. Letβs just keep the party going.
Letβs get Tracee Ellis Ross and Jim Carrey together. Andrew Garfield and Allison Janney. Drake and Reese Witherspoon. Anderson Cooper and Geoge Santos. Tom Brady and Britney Spears. P Diddy and Jail. Jacob Elordi and me. Joe Alwyn and me. Dev Patel and me. You know?Β
Reading BigfootΒ
The Atavist have done it again.
Another banger for the books, The Truth is Out There by Katya Cengel follows a cryptozoologist whose mysterious father disappeared in the wake of a boating accident. Is he dead, or did he run away and start a new life? Cengel helps the family untangle the truth, as best she can in a read thatβs funny, stark and sad. Sometimes itβs these little stories that are the most affecting.Β
Donβt hurt emβ
Picking cute winter outfits is hard, unless youβre fashion TikToker @raoulokoko. Every time I see his videos, I smile. This man simply cannot stop flexing. The vibe is immaculate, no detail is left unchecked.Β
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He is a true fashion icon to me β he has confidence, he has perspective, he plays with silhouettes and accessories in a knowing way. That is real personal style! All hail the king. Going to don a floor-sweeping faux fur in his honour.Β
π΄ SWEETIE HATES π΄
Royally crap
When TimothΓ©e Chalamet said βSocietal collapse is in the airβ, he mustβve been talking about the mood in the UK. In light of the recent news that King Charles has his fat greedy fingers in the pockets of deceased Brits, profiting millions of pounds, the royal family are trying a new tack β I call it Common Peopleβing.Β
To avoid, I donβt know, a revolt, the royals are slipping into Quiet Luxury mode. So itβs abundantly clear whatβs happening in this drab and coded Christmas card shoot of Will, Kate and their children.Β
Itβs masterful in its manipulation. Thereβs no jewellery to be seen. Thereβs ironed denim aplenty. Their crisp sleeves are perfectly rolled up to denote either relaxation or hard work. Their dead-eyed smiles communicate absolutely nothing, and swamped by negative space, they are made to look smaller, a perfectly tight knit family. There are no context clues as to where they could be, except perhaps an underground car park in a suburban Westfield or a Sears photo studio.Β
Nothing about this is composition and choice of colouring is accidental or undercooked. This picture should be titled βYou canβt be mad at me.βΒ
Dead man talking
This week, meditation app Calm announced that they had a very special festive surprise for us all β a Christmas story read aloud by the one and only Golden Age actor James βJimmyβ Stewart. The thing is, though, Jimmy Stewart died in 1997, and his narration has been stitched together through AI cloning technology. Sure, Calm says Stewartβs family gave them the green light, but hereβs the thingβ¦ They didnβt ask ME.Β
I would never do this to Jimmy if I were in charge of his estate. Here he is now, dead, reading aloud absolute crap for Calm β the audience of which are HR managers and millennial divorcees. Based on the clip, it doesnβt even really sound like the software has captured his famous, frenetic voice, thick like molasses and endlessly charming. Whatβs the point?Β
If weβre going to use Jimmyβs voice, letβs get him to say things that are actually helpful, like ββOoh I was just joking when I said I was a Republican.β
2 many groomsmen
The Princess Switch actor Vanessa Hudgens got married to baseball player Cole Tucker in Mexico this past week. Like, yeah, sheβs gonna get married. Which is lovely. But, like, inevitable?Β
She looked very beautiful and/or snatched, resplendent in Vera Wang. He looks like a character from Recess. Surrounded by lush foliage, it all looks stunning and classy. But thereβs just one thing wrong, one lil gripe I have β what the fuck is going on with all the groomsmen?Β
Your eyes do not deceive you, there are, indeed, 11 groomsmen. E L E V E N . I am completely flummoxed as to why one person would even want 11 groomsmen, let alone being able to get all 11 to actually agree to be in a destination wedding. Itβs giving βSaturdays Are For The Boysβ. Itβs giving βThe Groom is 27β. Itβs giving βWe Came By Clown Carβ.Β
Look at them, arranged by height like itβs school picture day. I can smell the Lynx body spray mingled with BO from here. Congrats both!
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