I woke up with your name on my lips… I woke up with your lips on my imagination…
Instead of procrastinating and writing this after a few Sunday afternoon drinky drinks, I am scheduling this newsletter in advance. Therefore, I cannot confirm the result of the Euros final this evening, as the newsletter will already be out in the world and I will be glued to a TV screen, pretending I know what a corner is. To stay relevant, I’ve written two sections, one for if England wins (unlikely) and one for if England loses (likely).
🔥 SWEETIE RATES 🔥
Football (good)
Wow! What a game! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! Gareth Southgate put his whole p*ssy into this one! Jude Bellingham did the thing! Bukayo Saka, my football king! The vibe is electric. The country is healed. There are no more stabbings and the cost of living crisis has been fixed and we never have to worry about the economy or £8 olive oil again. Football isn’t coming home, baby, it never left!
Unsolved Mysteries
I have been watching the original Unsolved Mysteries lately, because I love myself. If a TV show has clunky reenactment scenes and a booming male voiceover, I am seated.
Unsolved Mysteries is a perfect show, but it’s jarring to watch it forty-odd years after it came out, because the mysteries start to feel… a lot more solvable, let’s say that. The unsolved mysteries themselves are: mental illness, mental illness, police brutality, UFOs real, mental illness, grifter, intimate partner violence, and mental illness again. There, solved em’ for ya.
It’s also very funny.
Zendaya at Wimbledon
Zendaya the slayer at Wimbledon. I think more beautiful women should dress like Colonel Sanders.
🖕🏻 SWEETIE HATES 🖕🏻
Football (bad)
What an awful, torrid, wretched game. A complete travesty. An unjust loss. Clearly rigged in Spain’s favour. Benidorm is ablaze. Count your days, Gareth Southgate, they’re as numbered as the hairs on your head. Jude Bellingham? Jude Bellend, more like. Saka? You’re sucking. I have to go board up my windows now.
Adventures of TimTim
Timothée Chalamet, who went to a performing arts high school and dates Kylie Jenner, has been accused of being “a diva” in a long, torturous Daily Mail exclusive.
There is no need for hubbub. Let’s not be obtuse. Saying that Timothée Chalamet is a dick is like saying Madonna loathes hydrangeas. It’s like being surprised to find out an actor in their 20’s did drugs at a music festival, or that a professional athlete cheated on their wife.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: famous people are supposed to be assholes. They’re supposed to be difficult. I don’t want Timothée Chalamet to be a good person, and even more so, I don’t want him to pretend to be a good person. I want to see him at craft services, stomping his skinny little feet like an impatient Shetland pony because they’re out of celery juice. I want to hear that he’s refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks Josh Brolin’s Dune 2 poem about him isn’t complimentary enough.
As for the accusation of paranoia — wouldn’t you be on edge if you were inextricably linked to the woman behind Club Chalamet? She only needs to be lucky once. He needs to be lucky every time.
Losing Shelley Duvall 🙁
Rest in peace, Shelley Duvall. What a loss. Unforgettable in The Shining. Pitch perfect in Popeye. Luminous in 3 Women. Pour one out for the queen.
Bon chance!