Hi!
Highlights of the week have included strolling through summer’s fallen leaves, a jumper tied around my shoulders, listening to Ventura Highway by America. Getting my suitcase back from Belgium’s grip, broken, but with my belongings intact. Riding a Lime bike in heels through dark, empty streets, then Raspberry Beret comes on shuffle. Perfecting crispy roast potatoes. Watching a movie alone at midday (Paper Moon, 35mm, Prince Charles Cinema). Yes. That’ll do me fine.
Now, for more ruminations.
💐 SWEETIE RATES 💐
I always loved the way they love
Who said all royals are ineffectual tyrants who leech off their public, carefully cultivating an unwavering adoration from the very people they exploit? Not me, of course, I would never say that… At least not after seeing the coverage of Norway’s clairvoyant Princess Märtha Louise nuptials to American shaman, Durek Verrett (American Shaman, stay away from meeeeeee).
His credentials include being a sixth-generation shaman who once died for four minutes and 25 seconds. Her credentials include running a school where she taught students how to create miracles and talk to angels, and relinquishing her patronage role upon getting engaged to Verrett. Even though they met in 2019, according to him, they already knew each other from a past life, where they ruled Egypt together. The dress code for their meet and greet party was ‘Sexy and Cool’. Cynthia Bailey from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was present. I wasn’t invited 🙁
Mercifully, the big day was filmed for an upcoming Netflix production. Let’s get ten seasons, stat. They are MY Kate and Wills. At least they actually look, you know, happy and mostly in love.
A crackin’ long read
The Thin Purple Line is a really neat long read about the history of corporate security guards in the US by Jasper Craven for Harper's Magazine. Clever, interesting, and very funny too. I am left with two thoughts: Gee I hope I never have to rely on a security guard, and, I’m excited to read more from Craven.
Justice for Simply Red
🙏🏻 SWEETIE HATES 🙏🏻
Acid reflux
You’ll be devastated to know that I currently have an awful, wretched bout of acid reflux. After weeks of treating my body as a gourmand amusement park, I must now endure the kind of meals served in an elderly living facility. I flew too close to the sun, and it has burnt both my heart and my oesophagus.
“I need to stop eating and drinking like a family dog that’s about to be put down,” I said to myself on Thursday, before downing two margaritas and a spicy pepperoni pizza. I should have listened, but it was too late. I was done for. The meal sent me over the edge and into days marked by discomfort.
Here’s what you can eat when you have an acid reflux flare up: Rennies, and nothing. Garlic, onion, lemon, chilli, the touchstones of every meal I make, now out of reach. Coffee, once my guiding light, now my foe. With no booze, nothing fried and zero fatty treats, I must begin to rebuild, one bland meal at a time.
I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m in this state. I’ve had issues with my stomach and its acid since the onset of the pandemic. In fact, my vomiting history alone is akin to Dr Seuss prose:
I will vomit on a boat,
I will vomit in a moat,
I will vomit in the shower,
I will vomit for hours and hours
I have yakked in at least six different countries and in wildly inappropriate locations — a cafe toilet in Reykjavik (on my birthday, no less) in a bathroom at Madrid’s Museo Del Prado, in an Athens’ city bin, behind some less-important two years ago today I vomited behind some ruins on Pompeii, and then of course there are the public toilets at Strathfield train station. Wherever I go, whatever I do, my stomach acid is waiting to rain on my parade. It’s not a glamorous life, but it’s mine, and I am being punished for it by having to eat plain eggs with salt.
Lily from Duolingo
Of all of Duolingo’s in-universe characters, smug and sardonic Lily is by far my least favourite. I have a visceral, bodily reaction to seeing her in the app, which is unfortunate, because she crops up quite often. She has such a nasty and negative attitude that it makes me feel like I just ate something non-alkaline. What’s your fucking problem, Lily? We don’t need you, and we don’t like you.
I don’t need Duolingo character lore, and I certainly don’t need some snivelling little thing making faces at me as I press record and shyly butcher sentences like “Je suis en Europe.”
In general, the tweeness and over-familiarity of Duolingo is much-memed, but it’s also something else: really, really annoying. Please, let me learn my little French phrases without the judgement of some little purple-haired cow.
P!nk matter
P!nk, of “Get doon” fame, has taken a break from being inexplicably beloved by Australian mums to share some Israeli propaganda on her Instagram stories. From Debra Messing, noted idiot, no less. I, for one, am shocked that a white woman over 40 with a ⁓ funky haircut⁓ has a bad opinion on what’s happening in Palestine!!!
Bye now 👋🏻