Greetings,
As the old week bleeds into the new week, the newsletter must find you well. Good luck, Godspeed and have fun xxxxxx
🫶🏻 SWEETIE RATES 🫶🏻
Husband Criteria-on (?)
In news made specifically for me and nobody else, May December star/LOML Charles Melton has made his Criterion Closet debut.
Yeah… I’m Melton alright!!!
Many things to unpack here, namely the staggering amount of cuts throughout ongoing sentences and also the incredible amount of ENERGY emanating from Charles Melton. But I can’t say I don’t understand his wigging out — I act the same way in the candle section of Anthropologie. His exuberance has me giggling, blushing and twirling my hair with my pointer finger.
I saw someone online, in a pocket of the internet I can no longer find, scoff at poor Charles for not having a more in-depth knowledge of film history, for not having more deep-cut selections. That just doesn’t feel fair to me. The man spent years toiling away on Riverdale, of all places, earnestly selling in the idea of a drug called “Jingle Jangle”. Let him enthuse about Wall-E and Drive My Car, for Chrissakes.
From Rushen With Love
Do you know that funny slice of time during a dinner party between finishing your meal and easing into digestifs? Plates and cutlery are being cleared, but the festivities are still going, and nobody is ready to head home quite yet. This time can be make or break, it’s the difference between your guests’ swift exit or a 1AM Uber, and you need to balance the mood. It’s a sensitive time, so you need to play your cards, and your records, exactly right.
I am not hosting a dinner party right now — but if I were — I’d be playing Patrice Rushen’s 1979 album Pizzazz. I’m sure it was scientifically engineered to be an immaculate vibesmith. It’s groovy. It’s sexy. It’s fun. It’d go mental with sandalwood incense, a Paloma and a few sneaky trips to the kitchen for spoonfuls of leftover tiramisu.
I have some Feedback
Look, I loooove Feedback by Janet Jackson (to me, everything Rodney Jenkins touches is gold), but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about one lyric in particular lately, and no, it’s not the vaguely offensive one:
My swag is serious / Something heavy like a first day period.
It plays on a loop in my mind. Something heavy like a first day period… Simply genius. I did think that we’d universally come to the conclusion that the second day is actually more of a free-flowing day, but Something heavy like a second day period is more of a tongue twister.
Something 👏🏻 heavy 👏🏻 like 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 first 👏🏻 day 👏🏻 period 👏🏻
Powerful.
🥀 SWEETIE HATES 🥀
JAW dropping
The Bear has been sweeping award ceremonies left, right, and centre lately, so in a desperate effort to not feel left out, I gave in and started watching it over the past week. Having reached the middle of season two, I have officially given up. After a promising start, it now feels like Ted Lasso (Restaurant’s Version). If I wanted to watch heartstopping family drama, I would watch season four of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
While I think The Bear is underwhelming, I am pleased that I now better understand the Jeremy Allen White hype. I think he is charming in a non-threatening, salamander-esque manner, and I am happy for his continued success. What I am NOT happy about, though, is this kernel of nothingburger I found on his Wikipedia page.
If you understand this phrase, how many decks have you made in the past calendar year? If you don’t understand this phrase, congratulations! Would you like to swap brains?
This kind of absolute crap has no business being in an advertising-free space. It’s marketing jargon that’s inscrutable for a reason — and it’s because it means absolutely nothing. It exists to sound like something complex and valuable, too complicated to question, which is therefore impressive.
It’s not simply enough for a marketing or advertising team to claim something is viral these days, you have to put a monetary value on how much its virality is worth. You can see the goalposts moving in real time. This mindset feeds into the assumption that just LOOKING at an ad tacks a few dollars and cents onto a brand’s overall value. Not sentiment, not sales, just eyeballs. I hope that whoever snuck this into Jeremy’s Wikipedia page gets the bonus they’re seeking come Q4, and the salvation they will surely need when kingdom come.
Schnapp out of it
Noah “Zionism is sexy” Schnapp, star of Stranger Things and… nothing much else… is sowwy 🙁 He’s sorry for sharing propaganda 🙁 Please don’t fire him from Stranger Things 🙁
Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Mould
I found a bunch of mould behind my bed and I din’t know hw long it was there and it was baked into my mattress protectorand nowmy throatfeelsweird.
Arrivederci betch xxx