Heyyyyyy babbbyyyyy,
Happy day to you! No time for small talk, I am packing to move. And by “packing” I mean “eating a lamb samosa from Kashmir Kebabish” and by “move” I mean “relocating to a new home.”
Let’s get into the weekly, then!
🫰🏻 SWEETIE RATES 🫰🏻
Who’s that girllll
If you’re not chronically online, you may be unaware of the ballad of Celebrity Number Six, or r/CelebrityNumberSix, the official Reddit page that is dedicated to solving the mystery. “What’s all this then?” I hear you say. Well, according to the Reddit community’s abridged description:
Celebrity number six is the nickname given to an unidentified celebrity found on fabric/curtains owned by TontsaH. Tontsa has been attempting to ID everyone on this fabric and has been successful naming all of them, other than six.
There are eight celebrities in total depicted in the fabric:
Adriana Lima ~ Celebrity 1
Josh Holloway ~ Celebrity 2
Adriana Lima (Again) ~ Celebrity 3
Jessica Alba ~ Celebrity 4
Travis Fimmel ~ Celebrity 5
Ian Somerhalder ~ Celebrity 7
Orlando Bloom ~ Celebrity 8
This list is a real who’s who of noughties ad campaigns and editorials. But WHO in God’s name, is Six?
The manufacturer cannot confirm who the mysterious figure is, only that the images used for the print were largely taken from magazines at the time, which appears to be 2009 at the latest.
I’m in the camp of people, like YouTuber Justin Whang, that think it could be Brad Pitt — but there is compelling evidence that it could also be British model Jayne Windsor. Mostly, though, it doesn’t really matter. The interest is not wholly in solving the mystery, or getting to the bottom of why the fabric is so ugly, it’s about the thrill of the hunt, about taking part in an endless search within a similarly single-minded community.
It’s nice to see people on the internet gripped by a mystery that’s not linked to a lurid true crime case, or a parasocial relationship with a celebrity, or damaging geopolitical conspiracies. The search for Celebrity Number Six is completely harmless, and, in my view, unsolvable. Even if someone were to unearth a picture that showed irrefutable evidence (again, I really think it’s Brad Pitt), not everyone would ever completely agree. A lot of people don’t want the mystery to end. And if that means we can stop a swathe of people from becoming Gaylors, well, that’s good enough for me.
MS x MS
As a non-practicing lover girl, I must live vicariously through the romantic lives of boomers, especially celebrity ones. That’s why it thrills me to no end that Meryl Streep and Martin Short appear to be dating, maybe even in love, if I may say so myself! Not only do they have the same initials as each other, they have the same initials as me, and therefore it is government-mandated that I have a personal investment in this relationship. Everything always comes back to me!!!
Martin Short is my dream man (funny, rich, Canadian), and it’s always been in Meryl’s nature to win, so this pairing makes perfect sense to me.
Wowww
I don’t believe that Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga had a thing after A Star Is Born, but I DO believe that her method acting rubbed off on him. After all, who could forget her inspiring House of Gucci promotional tour, during which she said that she believed Patrizia Reggiani sent “swarms of flies” after her during filming, and revealed that she felt drunk after sipping on prop drinks, much to the horror of her fellow actors?
Having recently portrayed Leonard Bernstein in Maestro, a movie I did not watch for good reasons (didn’t want to), Bradley Cooper is now showing shades of Gaga. In a recent interview, alongside Leonard Bernstein’s literal children, Bradley cries and says he misses Leonard… a man he never actually met. It’s a gorgeous clip, honestly.
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He wanted that Oscars sweep so bad. All actors are insane, obviously, and that’s part of their charm. We need to let famous people be balls to the wall out of touch again!
✂︎ SWEETIE HATES ✂︎
MGK again
No weapon forged against me shall prosper, and that includes my personal nemesis, Machine Gun Kelly. He is addicted, clinically, to being the lamest man alive. Now he’s upped the ante on EDGE, and has tattooed his torso in almost all-black ink.
This is all, of course, to usher in his new ‘era’, a concept that has somehow become an imperative for every popular musician. You can’t just release an album anymore — you have to wipe your Instagram feed clean, unfollow everyone and debut a brand new look. I hate it. Eras are not for the likes of MGK, eras were invented by women over 40 who needed to reinvigorate their style and sound to retain public interest. Madonna or Cher, you are not.
Do you want to know something edgy he could do? Getting a job as a M&A consultant at Deloitte. Or releasing music that sounds good for once.
Oh, and Joe Exotic posted about giving MGK meth to seduce him. I’m kind of over that, but you can read about it here.
Saying the quiet part out loud
TW: abuse.
Reporters Jennifer Valentino-DeVries and Michael H. Keller’s recent piece for the New York Times, A Marketplace of Girl Influencers Managed by Moms and Stalked by Men, is a data-led investigation in which over 2.1M Instagram posts on social media were reviewed and classified by content, and community engagement was tracked, to horrifying results.
As a society, we’re two decades into the use of social media. But the ramifications of when, what, who we post aren’t yet fully realised. Or, in the case of many of these parents, there are many who are fully aware, but happy to collect their cheques, likes and views anyway. By and large, these parents don’t seem to care about any kind of reckoning or consequences. Neither does Instagram’s content moderation team.
Between this and the Ruby Franke case, I don’t know how anyone can see children posted for widespread display and profit on social media and not feel, at the very least, ill at ease. If you have nice parents who would never dream of exploiting you, I recommend you send them a loving text.
Zucked up
Mark Zuckerberg, who has more dark energy in his pinky toenail than MGK could ever hope to cultivate, is building a $270m, self-sufficient end-of-days bunker. In Hawaii. Underground. YAY!!!
Apparently, Zucky has made this undertaking hush-hush with NDAs abound, but I can’t see why. This all really makes me feel good about the future of our climate, everyone’s access to clean drinking water and food and also the general cultural temperature. Should I learn hand-to-hand combat?
But my question is, would you rather survive the apocalypse with all of the billionaires on earth, where you have to hunt tropical birds and talk about the ethics of eating your own clone — or would you rather die alongside everyone normal and compassionate? I think I might die. Nerds have a real thing for me and I worry Mark Zuckerberg may try to recruit me for his harem of quirky women.
Cheerio!