Can you believe it’s been a week since we were last here? I can’t. What the fuck? Again??
As a necessary confession after last week, I never did finish Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour. While I deeply respect her work ethic, I don’t think she came into the filmed gig with the right energy — her vibe feels dark and kind of scary. This is a good opinion from me, someone who only ever performs in a cramped, dark karaoke room. Loved her performance of Enchanted though.
Nothing else to add…………… Please see below for the SWEETIE Weekly.
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Swimming in a bin
The sun is starting to peek out, at last, and I can’t help but look forward to the unnaturally hot days ahead. Any time I think about putting the Vitamin D supplements down, picking up the La Roche Posay sunscreen, and really feeling the sun warm my face, I can’t help but think about this old viral video of a propa’ geezer luxuriating in a green bin.
I’d say it lives rent free in my mind, but that’s not true. It pays a price. And the price is me muttering “If I wanna take a swim… in me own bin…” in a two-bit cockney accent to myself over and over and over. After all, isn’t this what self-determination is all about? Filling up a bin with tepid water, using a step ladder to hop in and sipping an overproof cocktail in the sun? Yes. Yes it is.
My moral and editorial position on people filming strangers and posting them on the internet without their permission is that it’s OK if it makes me laugh. Otherwise it’s very bad and the sign of a decaying sense of shared empathy. But this time it’s chill!
First-name-last-namers
PLEASE tell me that you know what I’m talking about… But I am obsessed with the inscrutable phenomenon of first-name-last-name people — those who are always addressed by their full name. They’re never called by just their first name, or their last name, or a nickname, it’s the full name ONLY.
Everyone knows at least one person who falls into this category, for example, think of a guy who can never be “Nick”, he’s always “Nick Thomas” to anyone that knows him. Even if there are no other Nicks! Let me do my best Werner Herzog impression for a moment and say, “But why?”
I assumed that there must be a study that exists on this phenomenon already, and trust me when I say that I’ve tried to Google why only some people get this treatment. I thought surely it’d be based on some kind of etymological rhythm or trick, but so far, nada. All that came up were flirting techniques from 2003. This is my life’s work now. I’m afraid it will keep me up at night!!!
Oh my pod
Really loving Tortoise Media’s podcast series, Who Trolled Amber?, which delves into the overwhelming and largely-manufactured wave of online hatred towards Amber Heard in 2022.
Even if you aren’t particularly compelled by the miscarriage of justice that was Johnny Depp’s libel suit against Amber Heard, you might want to get clued up on exactly how varying nefarious forces are using bots to sway public opinion. It’s not good! But this podcast is.
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Instagroan
Blake Lively has kind of apologised to Kate Middleton after capitalising off of the now-famed Photoshop gaffe on Instagram. Egg has met face, because now that it’s come out that Kate Middleton is set to undergo treatment for cancer, the post in question — which was made to promote her drinks brand — looks even stupider than it already did.
Shot:
Chaser:
Blake! You should be more focused on apologising for crimes against humour. The day that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively stop doing their jokes-for-your-coworkers schtick is the day I will be sane again. While we’re here, why not also apologise for launching an alcohol company when you openly don’t drink. That’s weird! That’s a weird thing to do! That’d be like me launching a grammar appreciation club. But hey, you really do have to love seeing a public figure’s Instagram story apology open with “I’m sure no one cares…” A brilliant showing of genuine contrition.
This whole faux pas is symptomatic of something bigger and more irritating. In the race for online engagement, brands and celebrities grasp at straws to insert themselves into trending conversations with little to no regard if what they’re doing or saying is relevant, appropriate or even interesting.
Honestly, I’m not even slightly a monarchist, but what would have been the best case scenario here? You make fun of Kate Middleton for being dumped or dead to push your vanity beverage alcohol company? That’s dark. Yet, it’s still not quite as dark as Kensington Palace scapegoating a woman with cancer for doing a botched Photoshop job…
Why?
I saw Bedazzled (2000) not long after it was released, probably much too young, but still I was mesmerised by Elizabeth Hurley. She was instantly iconic to me. The outfits. The body. The attitude. I had never wanted to be somebody so badly in my little life.
Sadly, though, I have been forced to do a 180 in recent years. Once Liz started dating Shane Warne (R.I.P), the downhill slope was inescapable. I knew it was over. Now, I am unfortunately going to have to officially revoke Liz’s icon licence forever. Why? Well, it’s because I’m simply not about this.
I am an understanding person — don’t scoff — but this is a bridge too far for me. Damian Hurley has no business directing a film, which he wrote, in which his mother is doing anything more than having a nice, friendly conversation with another actor — perhaps talking about the weather or how it’s not as exciting to eat a Tobelerone now that the Matterhorn has been taken off the design. I don’t know. Maybe I’M the freak for thinking that it’s slightly off-piste. Yeah. I’m the problem here. Anyway. Group viewing of the film, anyone?
Fred… Again?
Fred Again simply has to be a psyop. I feel like he just came out of nowhere overnight and now every other day I have to hear some normie bigging up his Boiler Room set. I truly do not get his appeal at all. Except I did see him at the pub once and he was kind of handsome. But that’s not enough! The chokehold he has on coworkers (yes, the same kind that are fans of Ryan Reynolds) should be studied. Brian Eno, you will pay for your crimes.
C ya!