Hi!
For some reason there’s a lot of talk this week about films in ye olde SWEETIE. Not sure why. Perhaps because I still have to watch 26 more movies this year to reach my 100-film quota, perhaps there’s something in the water.
I’m actively trying not to talk too much about Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, because I kind of think it’s just The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City for people who watch Too Hot to Handle instead of Vanderpump Rules. That makes perfect sense and I won’t hear otherwise.
Whatever. Let’s get into it.
🌷 SWEETIE RATES 🌷
Sister Sledging
OK. I don’t mean to make this all about me (lol) but sometimes you find a piece of media that seems to have been made for you in a lab. The Gullspång Miracle is that for me.
Stylised documentary ✔️
Starring quirky civilians who know not what they do ✔️
Unbelievable/borderline impossible interventions of fate ✔️
Elements of haunting tragedy ✔️
Avoidable interpersonal conflict ✔️
Truly un-guessable plot twists ✔️
I was hooked. I cannot recommend this enough, I especially recommend going in with no more context than the above. I watched it via BBC Storyville.
Brainworms
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I really think about this TikTok every day, it’s become something of a sacred text for me. While at first I laughed at Lucille’s hubris, charmed, even, by her foolishness, I am no different than Lucille. In fact we’re far more similar than I could have ever dreamt. I go to the same Crisis just about every week because I once narrowly missed out on an A1 framed Rothko for £25. I often walk in hoping that maybe it’ll be there again by some act of the divine. For a year and a half I sat on the same park bench out of hope I’d see my favourite squirrel that had no tail. We all have worms in our corner don’t we?
Woof
Imagine having literally any other song stuck in your head 😂😂 Couldn’t be me 😂😂😂
🥀 SWEETIE HATES 🥀
Losing Cruise Control
WEIRD ALERT: Tom Cruise wanted to date Lady Gaga, until she got engaged. Ah! Ain’t that always the way. Pipped at the post, poor Tom was, and to the point that a source has given some pretty eye-watering quotes to InTouch.
“It’s getting kind of embarrassing at this point, even someone with his overwhelming arrogance can take a blow to the heart,” the source says.
“He really thought they shared a special connection and didn’t think Michael would be on the scene forever.”
“She’s just not that into him,” the insider explains, “just like Shakira, Elsina [Khayrova], Hayley [Atwell] and Rebecca [Ferguson] before her,” referencing his past burnouts.
Emphasis MINE. Listen, Tom Cruise could walk past a mannequin in a shop window and, hey pesto, there’ll be a story about his infatuation with her in print in People the next day.
Now, the reason why I think Tom Cruise can’t land the plane romantically is becau—You have been shaken awake by a friendly eunuch, Gaius. The year is 363. You’re in Antioch, and today is the day you and your army brethren will wage a campaign against Sassanid Persia. “Are you alright?” Gaius says, “You looked like you were having an awful dream!” “Oh yes, it was unspeakably wretched…” you say “Thank God it’s over.”
Kate Winslet’s torturous ordeal
Kate Winslet is simply agonised, pained, pushed past her limits, and all because people are trying to force her against her will to direct a film, poor lamb.
Promoting the film Lee, Winslet told the How to Fail podcast: “So many people will say to me on film sets ‘why aren’t you directing?’ and I’ll go ‘no, no, no, please don’t say it. Stop saying it. Why does everyone keep saying it?’”
These exchanges, sadly, have led to her feeling like she’s “letting women down.” I personally actually feel OK with you not directing Kate, if that’s any consolation, because I think if you literally don't want to do it, I probably don’t want to see it. So, you can remove one woman from your list of those being let down. You’ll have to check on the other 3.95 billion women alive individually, though.
The power of Christ compels me
Hiiiiii! Did anyone at this table order a hot piece of fucking shit?
Oscar, honey, what are you doing? It’s giving ‘Daddy needs a new pool’. Uma Thurman, Ben Kingsley, Forest Whittaker and Mark Hamill are, astonishingly, also in this animated film. Oh, and Pierce Brosnan (pejorative).
When I first read the description of the film, I hoped it might be an edgy cinematic foray, but no, King of Kings is much more Mel Gibson than Lars Von Trier. It will open in time for Easter 2025. I don’t know why I’m being so mean about it, there’s just that something about it makes me think it’s about to be as well-reviewed as Movie 43.
Anyway, here’s Oscar Isaac’s Christian ska band performing in 2001.
Cheers!!!