What’s upppp. How are u? Good. Oh, me? Well, there’s a new song by Mitski which I hope alienates her post-2020 fanbase! I found a nice pair of second-hand Reformation jeans that fit like a dream! I had McDonald’s twice in one day yesterday!
Are you on the edge of your seat? I thought so. Let’s dive into some more scintillating thoughts.
👅 SWEETIE RATES 👅
Cardi B fights back
I don’t condone violence, but I DO condone consequences. Cardi B is the latest performer, from a surprisingly long list, who has had things thrown at her while onstage recently. The venerable list includes:
Harry Styles. No comment.
Bebe Rexha, who got a black eye.
Pink, who got someone’s mother’s ashes thrown on her (most normal Pink fan). Can’t believe she was standing on the stage long enough to have this happen to her.
Lil Nas X, who I truly believe planned the altercation in advance. Sowwy.
Anyway, Cardi B had the best response out of all of them — she threw something back. Zero hesitation, zero dramatics. Honestly, FAFO. Cardi B drugged men and robbed them. She was a Blood. She got into a physical altercation with Nicki Minaj at a Harper's Bazaar event. She’s not afraid to go toe to toe. She’s not the one to throw a drink on.
Hopefully this is the conclusion of this sick, strange epidemic. Musicians might be annoying as fuck, but surely we should punish them in newer and more creative ways? Fiddle with their pedals, perhaps, or tell them their music reminds you of Greta Van Fleet. I don’t know! Have fun with it.
A pet psychic
I’m trying so hard (kind of) to not spend as much time on TikTok, or, at the very least, to not consistently share things I’ve witnessed on that hideous little time suck, but sometimes life leads me astray. Adam Jockle is old news. My new fixation is an ‘Animal Communicator’ — Shirley. A pet psychic named Shirley… Yeah, that tracks!
I have paid a literal psychic before to tell me the future/drag me for filth but for some reason I cannot accept a woman on the internet explaining what cats are trying to communicate as pure gospel. Riddle me that. Yet, I am entranced by her confidence, warmth and joy. I love her vibes. I bet she is really great at soothing traumatised horses and making a mean bean dip. She’s valid. Call me Mulder because baby I wanna BELIEVE.
Working to Klute
Surprisingly, my real job is words. It’s nice. But unfortunately, I cannot listen to a lot of things and still retain the ability to cobble together sentences that make sense. The words get too tangled up. That means no music with lyrics and no podcasts. But I have issues. Jazz makes me feel too anxious. I tire of Nicholas Britell. Pink, white and green noise has begun to make me feel homicidal. What’s a girl to do?
Enter: the soundtrack for 1971 thriller Klute, starring Jane Fonda and Donald Sutherland. Though it’s a movie I have never seen, the soundtrack makes for a perfect working-with-words playlist. Made by composer Michael Small, the soundtrack gently floats across moods and vibes — it’s soft but soulful, groovy without being distracting. If only it were eight hours long instead of a paltry 32 minutes.
😧 SWEETIE HATES 😧
The Chainsmokers
This week, via Who? Weekly’s Twitter*, I was alerted to a horrifying piece of news — The Chainsmokers have the Woke Mind Virus. Step aside Jameela Jamil, there’s a new sheriff in Performative Feminism Town.
Drew and Alex of The Chainsmokers, who have had threesomes together btw, are offering “females” a reduced price on tickets to an upcoming show — those tickets are fifty whole American dollars. “Males” will be paying $75. “It can’t be real,” I hear you say. It is. I checked. Now my computer is going to think I like music that sounds like a Vanderpump Rules segue song.
Aside from being very irritating, this offer brings up a whole host of issues. Who is policing gender on the door, Ben Shapiro? How much do non-binary fans pay for their tickets? Do they have any non-binary fans at all? Do The Chainsmokers abide by a two-gender belief system?
Can somebody please get Judith Butler on the horn, we have a gender emergency on our hands.
While we’re here, remember when The Chainsmoker (not the one that looks like a Mii) briefly dated Selena Gomez? I want better for her.
*I just physically cannot bring myself to type out the platform’s shitty new name. I don’t have journalistic integrity and I never pretended that I do.
Barefoot is legal
Well I just hate this, don’t I. The soles of this guy’s feet are tougher than my mother-in-laws meatloaf!
Put the grippers away and put some damn shoes on. Like toothpaste, deodorant, soap and penicillin, some human inventions are created out of necessity — shoes are one of those necessities. Please respect that.
Kirsten Bell and Dax Shepherd
It’s always something with these people. Kristen Bell could have been one of the most effortlessly likeable celebrities, but her propensity to constantly share off-putting and bizarre tidbits is her downfall. Dax Shepherd is Dax Shepherd. I don’t want to get into that.
In recent years they have shared that their family barely bathes, that one of their children wore nappies at five years old, that Dax once orally unclogged Kristen’s milk duct and that their family stinkily toots so much in their co-sleeping arrangement that they didn’t realise that Dax had filled their water mattress with a milk-based protein shake until it stunk out the bedroom. The protein shake rotted in their mattress for ten days before being addressed. I can’t.
Now they’ve been trying to sleep in Boston airport with $600 worth of blankets and one toothbrush. They were kicked out. Everything was meticulously documented on social media, of course. I am filled to the brim with a unique ennui, and it’s all because of an out-of-touch family. Time to log off, guys. Please.
See ya SWEETIEs.