Happy Feb!
It’s month dos of 2024, and I feel like I’m finally warming up, getting into the swing of it, you know? Making things happen. Hitting the streets. Suffering from anxiety. Making more soups. Contemplating downloading The Sims 4 again. Deciding against it. Thinking about it again. Physically stopping myself from doing it. It’s all the stuff that makes life worth living.
I know what makes YOUR life worth living. It’s da newsletter. Yep, this chronically grammatically incorrect screed is what it’s all about. Mustn’t keep you from it.
🥰 SWEETIE RATES 🥰
Oh my Lordi….
Jacob Elordi got into a tiny spot of trouble this weekend!!! At the Clovelly Hotel (yuck) Jacob got into an altercation with a KIIS FM employee. Unfortunately, this employee was neither Kyle Sandilands nor a former colleague of mine that started working there and then later unfollowed me on Instagram.
I know it’s not nice to assault, but this incident means that Jacob Elordi has OFFICIALLY arrived as an A-Lister. You’re not a real celebrity until you’ve assaulted either a journalist or a cop, and who knows, Jacob might just do both in good time.
Marky Mark
Mark Ruffalo has been shot by Willy Vandeperre for Perfect Magazine. Luckily he survived! Just kiddin’.
I am Vandeppere’ing, respectfully…
I don’t mean to be dramatic, but this photoshoot has changed me fundamentally. I have been renewed on a cellular level. I’m barkin’ like a damn dog.
Donna!!!
Flying high from the newfound notoriety gained from son Travis Kelce’s very private and lowkey relationship with Taylor Swift, Mama Kelce is making PR moves of her own. Here Donna is doing a pap walk (ah, they learn so quickly!) with, yep, you guessed it — what looks to be cold pizza in a Ziploc bag.
The careful angle at which the box pops out? Graceful. Chic. Artistic. The confident stride with which she walks in front of the cameras? Practised, yet utterly innate. She is a natural.
Dying to know who the target audience is for this. Millennial women from the midwest who have toddlers called Kadyn, I can only assume. I can’t wait to see what partnership is next. I can see a very prosperous collaboration happening between her and Teflon any day now.
🥱 SWEETIE HATES 🥱
Homegirl
Has anyone tried moving lately? Jesus Christ. Finding a rental property in a major city in 2024 is like trying to find Ben Affleck’s will to live. I have never found it this hard or stressful to find somewhere, and I say that as someone who got forcibly kicked out of their home once because their landlord thought they were a heroin addict (the tapestry of my life is long and complex…)
If you’re looking for a new place, first of all, congratulations on your new part-time job. This search will consume your life. Estate agents will come up with impossibly fake time slots in which to view a place. It’s either “I know it’s a Tuesday at midday, but are you free to come and view this property in… Oh, let’s say, four minutes from now?” You’re not free? Okay, I have a similar place almost exactly the same but four miles away that you can check out at 9pm on the next full moon… Actually, don’t worry, someone just put a deposit down as I was finishing this sentence. Go fuck yourself.”
By the way, do you want to pay half of your monthly salary to have a roof over your head? That’s IF you can find a place for that much without someone outbidding you. You may even find yourself tempted to join the bidding, before realising that you don’t have that kind of poison inside of you (or the money) to push you all the way.
Last week at work I kept manically checking my phone, waiting for a call. “Is it a boy?” a colleague asked. I laughed. No man could make me feel this desperate. Not even Mark Ruffalo himself could elicit this much uncertainty and yearning. Two hours later, my phone rang. Housing secured. For now. Check in on me in a year.
It’s Lenny, henny
Last week I was unkind to Lenny Kravtiz, bemoaning the fact that he keeps popping up inappropriately in my Spotify. Now, he’s back in my mind, and my newsletter, once again. Why? Well, he hath sinned once more.
I want to get away… I want to fly awayyyyyyy… from this styling choice. Lenny, honey, what is happening here? Did you fall into the Forever 21 clearance rack?
This lewk is better suited to a tween starlet making their debut on the 2008 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards orange carpet — all we need now is the slime. He looks like he’s ready to hit the stage with Sophia Grace and Rosie. I truly expected better from thee big scarf man himself.
Roundhog
Sick to my stomach at this description. What did this groundhog do to deserve this kind of disgusting body shaming?