It’s Sunday night. The sun has been out all weekend. The pollen is infesting my sinus passage. I haven’t had a drink in two weeks. I made a terrible dinner, but it had a lot of vegetables in it. I am ascending.
Follow me, won’t you?
💎 SWEETIE RATES 💎
Twin… where have you been…
Celebrity and pop culture news is dull this week because Coachella is on, and I can’t think of anything more boring to write or think about. The news that comes out of Burning Man-lite is always like, YouTuber Mauricio BingBong and influencer Marli DooDat caught KISSING while watching headlining performance by formerly cancelled EDM artist Jonji Skiddles, or Exclusive pics! Go behind the scenes at the Activia Stomach Stimulator featuring b2b DJ sets by Pauly D and Mikhail Gorbachev.
But. BUT. At Coachella weekend one, something amazing happened. Two twin souls have finally come together in an act of God or kismet, and we have photographic proof.
Teresa “Prostitution Whore” Giudice and Taylor Swift, united at last, ready to conquer the world, arm in ripped arm. Dying to go to bottomless brunch with them. I bet Taylor knew who Teresa was, but pretended not to.
Cutting edge
The Cut, purveyors of nonsense, cringe and virality, have done it again. They’ve published another banger.
The Brooklyn Power Throuple Making Space for a Baby
Is it mean-spirited? Yes. Did it have me completely and utterly gripped the whole way? Yes. Did I spend an hour or two digging for more information on the internet based off of this Reddit thread? Obviously. Join me. We’re all mad here.
No thoughts, just vibes
Type of shit I’ve been on lately
🪓 SWEETIE HATES 🪓
Weirdo alert!
Madonna’s ex-husband, director Guy Ritchie, says computer-building, #metoo-besmirching actor Henry Cavill “... Stands up whenever a lady walks in the room. He’s been consistent with that all the way through. I’ve made two movies with him. You have never failed to stand up when a lady walks in.”
OK? Does he want a national holiday, or will just a parade do? In my professional opinion, Henry, I think you should just be normal and treat women normally. What does he do if he has a female server at a restaurant? Or a female dentist? He’d be more up and down than my mood when I have PMDD. Get a life!
Not for nothing, I had a dream about Henry Cavill the other night, right after I saw that perturbing photo of him and his brothers (cover your drinks!) and he was so into me. He wanted a slice of the SWEETIE Pie, but I was like, “As if buddy…. Maybe in YOUR dreams…..”
I haven’t been able to glean from DreamDictionary.com exactly what that means, but I assume it signifies that I’ve passed some kind of universal test and I will be handsomely rewarded in the afterlife.
Bob Villain
STOP whatever you’re doing. On-set piccies of Timothée Chalamet as Bob Dylan in the upcoming A Complete Unknown have been published, and they’re making me extremely irritated.
He looks goofy as hell. Utterly bozo-esque. Bob Dylan meets Hedi Slimane meets high school play ‘old man’ makeup. It’s giving flop, but who knows. Maybe I’ll be surprised, like when I was wowed by my husband Jacob Elordi’s performance as Elvis in Priscilla. Or, just maybe, I’ll be horrified, like when I saw Rami Malek and his gigantic candy teeth as Freddie Mercury in the parts of Bohemian Rhapsody that I scrubbed through on Netflix because a guy I was dating was an extra in it.
Whatever. Let’s not worry about that and instead look at this picture of Bob Dylan at Sundance Film Festival in 2003.
Bad Art
Speaking of Madonna and Guy Ritchie, I am truly thrilled to announce that their son Rocco is making bad art. I know that it’s not nice to call someone else’s creative expression “bad”, but I only say that… Because it is.
See!
In case you can’t tell, Rocco’s exhibition, ‘Pack a Punch’, is called that because it’s made up of a series of paintings of Muay Thai boxers in Thailand. Loving this style of brain dead art. No conceptual thinking, no interpretation needed, just some guys sketched onto the canvas from an iPhone photo, coated and hung. You want to see a painting of Muay Thai Boxers doing Muay Thai boxing things? Have at it. Here they are. That’s the power of nepotism.
Madonna took a night off from her poorly-organised tour to show her support, wearing a big hat so we don’t forget that HER Cowboy Carter, the superior Music, hit the airwaves 24 years ago and she will nawwtttt be outdone.
Bye!