Ho. Ho. Ho……….
Happy Christmas eve or Christmas or Boxing Day or whatever day it is you’re reading this. I am having a nice Christmas time with my friend Ruby and I hope that everyone has a lovely Christmas anddddd it’s Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. I have nothing left to give. Can ya tell? Christmas.
Enjoy!
🎄 SWEETIE RATES 🎄
The girls are fighting
Extra, extra! Matt Damon has beef with Jennifer Lopez! According to the beacon of truth (OK! Magazine) Matt ‘F word’ Damon “Hates” the way Jennifer Lopez treats Ben Affleck and he “Can’t keep quiet anymore.” I’d love to tell you more about it, but the article is ‘not available’ in the UK. I can’t be bothered to access a VPN, so that is all I can share with you right now. PLEASE forgive me.
Some people might think this story is as fake as Jennifer Lopez when she says olive oil is her secret to looking young. But I believe it. I saw Matt Damon at Fred’s once in Sydney and he looked very, very normal. He was wearing a navy polo, jeans that were almost bootcut, and he may have even been wearing Clark’s. He was very American, and I did not find myself attracted to him. He seemed sheepish at being seen, let alone perceived, and I felt a module of guilt for even recognising him.
This is all to say that — one, I’m not surprised if he doesn’t get along with JLo, star of this not-staged-at-all paparazzi video that lives rent-controlled in my head.
And two, I am trying to brag about seeing a celebrity one time (we did not interact).
I bet Ben Affleck’s toxic ass just loveeeesssss this beef. He pretends he doesn’t, but he’s sipping on Dunkin after Dunkin, plotting, scheming, and playing his two great loves against each other.
Wanksy theft
Do you want to know what I’d call stealing a Banksy just one hour after it was erected? A public service!
Eight days of Christmas
An underrated classic. Why is it eight days instead of 12? Nobody knows. What the hell are they talking about? It doesn’t really matter. But I love it. It’s so wonderfully 2001. Doesn’t it feel like Christmas?
🎁 SWEETIE HATES 🎁
Wat
I don’t mean to evoke shades of “Die Hard is a Christmas movie”, but It’s A Wonderful Life is, very genuinely, a horror movie. Having never seen it before, I took in a 6pm showing at Picturehouse Central on Saturday night. I understood that it was going to be sad, but nothing could have prepared me for how terrifying it is. As someone who fled a small town as soon as they hit adulthood, I cannot think of a worse fate than what happens in this film.
A recap: A typically flustered James Stewart plays George Bailey, a man who is almost conspiratorially trapped in a life he cannot escape, with constant financial woes and no way to live his dreams of getting out of his hometown — a place full of people with an almost pathological dependency on him.
The man cannot stop flopping. He endures losing the hearing in his left ear from saving his brother from drowning in icy water, getting beaten by his boss for preventing a poisoning, losing his father, missing out on his dream of travelling the world, using his savings to send his younger brother to college instead of himself, having to run his failing family business, getting married despite not wanting to, not being able to go on his honeymoon, moving into a house he doesn’t like because its his wife’s dream, having kids he never wanted, having to keep running the family business because his brother broke a promise, his dumb uncle loses $8,000 and for some reason that’s George’s fault… Am I missing anything? What the hell kind of karmic debt did this man have?
His desperation escalates until he is driven to suicide, and as he stands on a bridge, on Christmas eve, ready to die, he once again has to save yet another person from icy waters — Clarence, his guardian angel. In order for George himself to be saved, his good nature is manipulated once again. Then he wishes he was never born, and he sees the whole world has gone to garbage because he specifically did not exist, and then he begs to come back only so he can fix it.
But here’s the thing, his life STILL sucks! He STILL has to live in the same town he hates, in the same house he hates, with the same job he hates, and with four children he resents. He doesn’t beg for an opportunity to be alive again because he suddenly realises his life was enjoyable, it’s because he has been manipulated once again into sticking around in order to amend everyone else’s problems. Even with the help of a guardian angel he is unable to change his dreadful fate — he will only ever live to serve others at the cost of his personal happiness. This is a people pleaser’s worst nightmare come true.
It’s a Wonderful Life is a complete tragedy, a post-war ‘put up and shut up’ narrative smuggled into a feel good, festive film. It valorises duty, sacrifice and begrudging acceptance over all else. It’s. So. Fucking. Sad. But you know what? If this film were about a woman from the same era, it’d be called It’s a Life because this is how their lives basically all went, anyway.
Apart from, you know, a visit by a guardian angel, it might also be the most realistic Christmas film ever made. Most dreams don’t come true. George should have just invested in that damn plastic factory when he had the chance. Anyway, I still loved it. Four stars.
Bauble more like bald-ble
Fenwick’s £26 Christmas bauble of Prince William was absolutely made by a republican.
Just like the Prince’s genetics, this designer pulled no punches on that hairline. Those carved out chompers make him look like he bites children even MORE than he normally does. And they went full Gordon Ramsey on his forehead. This is pure contempt in bauble form. I fear each one may contain a demon.
I think Prince William contains a darkness that can only be achieved through centuries of inbreeding and a life specifically modelled on an impossible alienation from regular people. What I’m trying to say is, I think this homage is what he deserves.
Emrata drama
I know it’s Christmas, so I’m so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you’ll have to find out eventually… Emily Ratakowjski’s has been denied future comped Madison Square Garden tickets due to leaving a tense NBA game early with fellow model Irina Shayk. I guess this proves once and for all that there is no God and our earthly realm is utterly lawless.
A very funny and rude spokesperson told Page Six “Emily was not offered comped tickets for the Rangers… She was offered, and is welcome, to buy great seats any time.”
Emily, for her part, has claimed she needed to leave the game early to attend to a childcare issue. Lets send all the positive energy we can muster to her in this difficult time. It’s CHRISTMAS for CHRISSAKES.
Happy yuletide!