Hi!
SWEETIE Weekly time! It’s Easter, it’s Sunday, it’s overcast, it’s cold. I simply must press send (without proofreading) because there is a wine on the other side of this task.
This week’s email will cut off in your inbox, so you’ll simply have to click through to read it via your browser or the Substack app. Sorry. I don’t make the rules. I just enthusiastically enforce them.
💅🏻 SWEETIE RATES 💅🏻
We’re screwed
As bots and generative AI become more enmeshed with the internet at large, the online landscape is changing. All week I have been following TikTok creator @sidemoneytoms’s investigation into how the bizarre, sprawling presence of bots and AI are fundamentally changing the online landscape, particularly on Facebook.
This phenomenon gives credence to the Dead Internet Theory — a theory which posits that bots will eventually become the primary creators and users of the internet — generating posts, traffic, and interactions, almost completely unaided and un-abetted by humans. Amen. I will be hanging off every word.
Aside from the terror and fascination that this has spurred within me, it also evokes a greater, more compelling point. Someone in the comments very rightly pointed out that it’s amazing how even in the world of AI, everything ends up evolving into crabs. Carcinisation wins again!!!
Relatable!
Wow, a hit tweet!
Just for posterity, Mia Farrow is:
Moving back into the city
Hoping to have fun
Thinking she might meet the man of her dreams
Being very careful
Famous boomer women have a way of sharing on social media that is so divinely unique. It’s a candour that can’t be taught, studied or imitated. They lack the urge to perform that plagues younger generations — an urge that makes the thought of posting on social media in 2024 an almost paralysing and borderline unbearable one for me personally. Women like Cher and Mia are posting with no polish and no real end game, just a genuine desire to share a thought, perhaps even spark a conversation, despite optics.
After all, remember this?
What I’m really trying to say is… I would simply j’adore an Under The Tuscan Sun-esque film starring Mia Farrow and her scared-cartoon-rabbit voice. Her love interest? Walton Goggins. Wait, what was that noise?! I think I just heard the sound of a green light!!!
MBB
Millie Bobby Brown has one of the best public personas out of any working celebrity right now. Whether she is singing Imagine (“ooh”), identifying as a feminist because a psychic told her so, rating hotels, shops and restaurants under a fake name on Google reviews, or, now, speaking about how she doesn’t watch movies despite being an actor, I am seated.
She is utterly detached from reality. And I mean that as a compliment. It’s bad enough to work in the world of acting and not be engaged in film history, but it’s doubly bold to admit it. I really don’t think she gives a fuck about much at all, and it’s an admirable trait. She has the potential to go down the delusional-but-secure Gwyneth Paltrow route, if only she was… well… a little bit better at acting.
👻 SWEETIE HATES 👻
Ba-Doom-Tish
I promised weeks ago that I would keep you up to date on #breaking Cyrus family news, and I am making good on that promise. Luckily for me, they just make it too easy.
Tish Cyrus, the woman who allegedly married her 24-year old daughter's ex-situationship, has been having some slight marital issues. On her podcast, Sorry We’re Stoned, Tish explained that… You know what, let’s have People do the heavy lifting here:
“I was so scared when I first met Dom, my husband, which was not that long ago,” she quipped. “But it is crazy because I am a Taurus and he is an Aquarius, and every single thing I read said, ‘Don’t even do it. It is the absolute worst pairing.’”
Tish — who married the Prison Break actor in August — explained that she is very easily offended and often takes “things so personally.” Purcell, on the other hand, “is just very blunt — like, there is no warm and fuzzy.”
“I was an only child, I was adopted, so I was coddled a lot. So I kind of have needed that. But that’s just not who he is. He is not emotional,” said Tish. “And that could be a problem. But you know what, this is where I’ve grown, is like, I just feel like instead now of me getting so offended, because I respect and love him, that we have conversations. And instead [of] getting so upset and heated about it, and me not taking it personally, just letting him have an opinion. I’ve never been good at that.”
I’m a woo-woo, superstitious, numerology tracking, tarot reading, birth chart analysing bitch, but even this is logic I cannot sanction. Hun, your hubby just kind of sounds like an asshole. And cold. And uncompromising. Which, now that I think about it, are very Aquarian features. Plus, not for nothing, he’s an Australian man. What do you expect? They’re not that nice! And they might sleep with your youngest child!
Succession = over
It’s amazing what marketing can do. Sometimes it convinces you that it’s a good idea to spend the equivalent of three hours of your salary on one luxury candle. Sometimes it turns you against things you once cherished and loved. With one fell swoop, my adoration of Succession has been ripped from grip. Why? Two words. Funko. Pops.
Not into this. Not one bit. I’m not a toy adult. I don’t do stuffed animals, or blankies or dolls*. I have a Furby from my wonderful friend Manisha, and I accidentally turned it evil, so I’m honestly at my limit right now. Leave the Funko Pops for annoying things that annoying people like, like Rick and Morty or Bob’s Burgers.
*Clowns don’t count. I love clowns!
Daylight savings
Made me sleepy. 2/10.
Bye for now clown 🙂