Hey!
Hope ur well. Ready for your weekly goop?
🤘🏻 SWEETIE RATES 🤘🏻
The Oscars
Tonight is the Oscars, and for that, I am glad. Will I watch it? No. But I love to play host to a constant undercurrent of crankiness, and nothing makes me crankier than seeing the results of The Academy Awards.
Every year without fail they always get things so mind-bendingly wrong. Take this year — why is Bradley Cooper nominated for Best Actor instead of Christian Friedel? How did America Ferrera snag a Best Supporting Actress nod over Cara Jade Myers? Oppenheimer over 80 for Brady?? What is the world coming to?
I’m going to wake up and check the results first thing in the morning, effectively ruining my mood for the entire day. I can’t wait!
Gal pals
Nothing to see here, just a completely normal and expected friendship between Ayesha Curry and Lindsay Lohan. They’re such good friends, in fact, that Ayesha and Steph Curry are Godparents to Lindsay’s son, Luai.
Sometimes you reach a certain point in life where you feel like you have a handle on things, like you can mostly predict which way is up or down, but I’m utterly stumped by this pairing. Puzzled. Befuddled. What do these two talk about, aside from starring in the new film Irish Wish? Wish I knew almost more than anything. Happy for them.
Real question: Do you think Ayesha knows about the time Lindsay got punched in the face by a refugee she accused of being a human trafficker? Truly need 2 know xx
Head
I’d never seen Head (1968) starring The Monkees until recently, but it’s prettyyyy incredible. And it’s free to watch on YouTube. And I think it’s just neat. And I loved spending the whole time watching it wondering who the best looking Monkee was. I can’t decide between Mike Nesmith or Peter Tork. It keeps me up at night!
Just a heads up, though, in case you’re sensitive to seeing people literally get shot in the head — you will see Nguyễn Văn Lém literally getting shot in the head.
🪝SWEETIE HATES🪝
Y’all…
The Cyrus family and their veneers have not been having a great time in the press lately. It all started with a podcast episode of Call Her Daddy — the harbinger of the apocalypse — featuring Tish and eldest Cyrus daughter, Brandi. During this episode, Tish told the story of how she met and married her current husband, Prison Break’s Dominic Purcell.
Of the five Cyrus children — Brandi (with whom Trish hosts a weed podcast), Trace (of Metro Station “fame”), Smiley Miley (hoOoHOyeahhh), Braison (scene missing) and Noah (former red carpet partner of Lil Xan) — two publicly opted out of the 2023 wedding between Tish and Dominic. On the day of the nuptials, Braison and Noah shared content on social media of them pointedly hanging out at Walmart, with Noah wearing *GASP* a Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirt. THE HUMANITYYY.
In case you didn’t know, because I’m not a linear storyteller, Tish used to be married to Billy Ray Cyrus. That’s their Dad. Pretend I said that somewhere earlier.
Anyway. Apparently the reason for this shocking rift/wedding day snub is because Noah (24) used to hook up with Dominic (54) before Tish (56) purposefully snatched him out of her youngest daughter’s zygote hands. Excuse me?
When I first saw this, I thought… Nah. That’s too weird to be true. But, brick by brick, warring narratives were planted in rival news outlets and the story evolved.
First, Tish stole Dominic, leaving Noah devastated. Then it came out that Dominic and Noah were just hooking up, like that’s any better. Next we learned that Tish hired security at her wedding to Dominic specifically to keep Noah out. Finally, we heard that the divide between mother and daughter has become irreparable, and Tish “is not open to any reconciliation.” That behaviour tracks for a woman who has a podcast where she smokes weed with her oldest child.
Bless this mess. I will be setting up Google Alerts for this in case there’s some more #breakingnews of the #almostincest kind. Stay tuned!
Very Messi
Messi, Anatomy of a Fall’s breakout star, has been blacklisted from the Oscars. Of all the dogs in Hollywood, why must he be the one cast aside? Jimmy Fallon is right there!
Messi is an astoundingly good dog actor, with a canine gravitas only really seen before by Frasier’s Moose, and I think he should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor. Now, he doesn’t even get to go!
Per The Hollywood Reporter, “Multiple companies with nominated films complained to the Academy that allowing him to attend the event gave Anatomy of a Fall an advantage during the voting window.”
How out of touch do you have to be to worry that a dog is going to outshine you? Who are you, Kelsey Grammar with Moose?!
Dinner’s RUINED
I’m sorry, but I have some really bad news…
You’re laughing? Josh Allen ripped his pants during a romantic Paris date night in Paris with Hailee Steinfeld, and you’re laughing?
I’m sure she’s great and all, but I was supposed to interview Hailee Steinfeld many years ago about some crap, and she cancelled literally like a minute beforehand. Who does that? I’d already Ubered over too. Whatever. Your boyfriend has shit daks, flaker.
Thanks, cheers, ta, bye bye!!