Ciao ciao,
Another week down, another day closer to death! I have spent the last 48 hours utterly drowning in the Vanderpump Rules DRAMA, gripped in a way I can scarcely explain. It has taken over my executive function like a parasite. I no longer need food, I may not even need oxygen. I need Andy and a camera.
Despite this, it’s STILL time for the SWEETIE Weekly.
🥳️ SWEETIE RATES 🥳️
Doing nothing
I spent many years overstimulating myself in order to drown out my own mind. From morning to bedtime I would be listening to podcasts or music or endlessly doomscrolling on a rotation of three to five apps, watching episode after episode of TV. It was by design. I didn’t want to have any organic thoughts. If I didn’t have the space to think for myself, I wouldn’t have to hear any of what my internal monologue was dying to tell me.
Unsurprisingly, this was terrible for my mental health and the necessary function of my brain. When I would go to sleep at night I often experienced an unending stream of content reverberating through my head. Sound layered upon sound, vision upon vision, a cacophony of unadulterated crap.
There was nowhere for all of this input to go. I consumed and then I considered it all until there was no room left in my brain. My memory started to falter. My recall, once a triumph of my mind, became hopelessly rusty. Facts and concepts that had previously been easily accessible became blurry around the edges. It felt like my brain had become a sieve. I started to panic.
So I decided to start embracing doing nothing. Instead of picking up my phone when I felt a craving for screentime, for stimulation, I started staring out of windows, picking off my split ends, sitting quietly and watching the shadows flicker and reconfigure on the brick wall opposite my bedroom window. I go for walks with no direction in mind, just ambling along carefully, staring absentmindedly at a far horizon.
There’s an art to doing nothing, Niksen it’s called, an invention by the Dutch. Of course it’s Dutch. The point of Niksen is to just be, to do nothing, to let your brain explore and then to come home to yourself. It has done wonders for my mental health, for actually listening to my inner dialogue, and for tapping into a refreshed creativity.
It’s hard to divorce the concept of doing nothing from feeling like a real piece of shit though. It feels like a luxury when it should be a fact of life. Once you can embrace doing nothing as, well, doing something good, you naturally worry less and less about being lazy or unproductive.
Do less. Do nothing. Productivity is a capitalist scam, anyway.
The good part of the follicular phase
Is there literally anything better than the first day after your period ends? This part of the follicular phase rocks my world. I imagine the feeling you get when waking up the day your period has ended is the exact same feeling you’d get walking out of prison after serving a 20-year sentence. The sun is a little brighter, the birds sing a little bit sweeter, and your body has created a perfect cocktail of hormones.
Here, oestrogen meets progesterone and they mingle in divine synchronicity. You can FEEL the verve coursing through your bloodstream, as though your energy levels have been hit with a defibrillator. Every single month I wonder, “Hey, why do I feel so insanely good and task-oriented today?” and every single month the answer is right in front of my face. It’s because I’m Little Miss Follicular, riding on a wave of high vibrations.
I am utterly convinced I could do anything on this one specific day — catch and kill a wild boar with my bare hands, crack some nuclear codes, hell, maybe even jog for the bus.
@Eddielovese
I’ve put a 30 minute limit on my TikTok use per day, and recently I’ve been spending a very decent chunk of this allotted time watching @eddielovese’s videos. Per his bio, Eddie describes himself thusly: “I'm a fun nice person in Burbank California I'm an actor singer.” Great!
But Eddielovese is not just a fun nice person in Burbank California — he’s a star. His bread and butter are his videos in which he gets ostensible strangers to ask him why his shirt is off. While it’s an easy reach, any comparison to Tim and Eric would just be an insult to Eddie. This is outsider art.
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A testament to Eddie’s goodness can be measured by how he manages to rope in so many people to take part in his videos, and enthusiastically so.
He’s blowing up, too. He just appeared on the H3 Podcast, which I did not listen to, because… I didn’t want to, to be honest. If Eddie is ever Milkshake Duck’d I will need to be restrained via straightjacket.
🤨 SWEETIE HATES 🤨
Avril Lavigne and Tyga dating
Finding out about this celebrity pairing has been one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life — and I once got a breast exam from a doctor that had braces.
I’m never the kind of poindexter that talks about ~glitches in the matrix~ but… This can’t be real. I’ve not been a Melissa truther until this very moment. This is not the same Avril that was standing on a bridge and waiting in the dark while wearing a men’s tie from Target. This is NOT the rock chick Avril I know and kind of love.
What makes this even more unsettling is the fact that Avril used to date Brody Jenner, who is the son of Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner then went on to have Kylie Jenner. Kylie Jenner was groomed by, you guessed it, Tyga. Dating your ex-boyfriend’s half-sister’s ex boyfriend???? That is just a tad on the nose, no?
I can’t take this. If only Avril had stayed with Chad Kroeger like she was SUPPOSED to.
Serial monogamists
Very dark stuff at work here. Finding out someone is a serial monogamist is like suddenly finding out that someone you know fairly well has a twin.
There is not one way in which my life has not improved by actively navigating life as a single person. Perhaps because of this, people who can’t be alone for an extended stretch of time are objectively spooky to me. Like, what do you mean you have a new partner two months after your decade-long relationship ended? Are you that scared of going grocery shopping by yourself? You don’t want to take a beat to appreciate sleeping diagonally across a big, empty bed?
If you’re a serial monogamist then IDK what to tell you, just don’t do it around me. Maybe find Jesus.
If you suspect someone you love may be a serial monogamist… Run.
Loud noises
There are too many noises. Can you guys please keep it down?
There’s a full moon on the 7th, by the way. Mark your calendar.
CUL8R 💋💋💋💋