Happy day to you!
Coming to you live from my office (bed!) where I have crafted a spectacular piece of writing (itβs middling!) eating a balanced meal (assorted Maoams!)... These are the kinds of conditions that create genius.Β
βοΈ SWEETIE RATES βοΈ
She spilled
Whoopi Goldberg, who was in a littleeee movie called Ghost and who gave us one of the most quotable quotes of all time, has dropped another classic.Β
Sheβs right. Ghosts donβt have a job and theyβre stuck in the house, they have time to haunt the bejesus out of you if they want to. What else are they going to do? Yoga with Adrienne?
You know what? I believe in ghosts and I donβt care who knows it. These days Iβll have one double gin and tonic on a first date and start talking about how thin I think the veil is. Itβs like a goddamn gossamer curtain. When youβve been in a haunted house, a really haunted house, when you have felt the presence of something that is irrational, unexplainable and utterly undeniable, then you can talk to me.Β
Summer should be fun
This Bravo mess has an ungodly grip on me. Summer House is kinda like Vanderpump Rules, but if it lacked charisma, real drama, credible villains, captivating plot lines and iconic quotes. Iβm only on season 3, but I know I will be following this show to its rosΓ©, pool water and piss-soaked grave. Perfect fluff. Impeccable brainrot.Β
I canβt wait to catch up to the current season, then listen to each corresponding episode of Watch What Crappens, then join the subreddit, then think about it and obsess about it every day until I get tired of it and decide I actually hate it. Then? Well, I guess thereβs always Below Deck Mediterranean.
Sorrryyyy
Sometimes I feel like when I include animal content in this *********** newsletter it looks like Iβm being lazy, but sometimes I just need an outlet to share. Hashtag vulnerable moment. Anyway. This cat video made me laugh until my stomach hurt.Β
ππ» SWEETIE HATESΒ ππ»
Bennifer bust up
I started getting a stress-related stomach ulcer this week when a flurry of online rumours suggested that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck wereΒ S P L I T T I N GΒ U P.Β
βNo!β I cried. βOh, the humanity!β
If these beloved documentary stars ever break up, I will eat my hat, scarf and socks. I have a feeling theyβll stick it out until the bitter end* just to spite everyone**, but I donβt do well with these kinds of THREATS.Β
Letβs be real, though, this story came from an InTouch article, which means itβs probably BS (everyone knows celebrities speak through and to People), but the news still tugged at my heartstrings. If two insane, out of touch, messy Leos canβt make it work after two decades of separation and pining β who among us can? Who among us would want to?
*When Matt Damon gets a divorce.
**Jennifer Garner and her plaid shirts.Β
Huge day for annoying people
Messi, the dawg, is at the Cannes Film Festival, and absolutely lapping up the attention.Β
Look, this has historically been a pro Messi publication in the past, which is why I feel the need to say this from friend to treasured friend: Messiβ¦honeyβ¦ youβre milking it now. Your clout chasing is getting kind of uncomfortable to watch. Itβs giving desperate. You need to book another role before you become completely incapable of letting go, like Tom Felton.Β
Messi, if you donβt find another role to hang your hat on, you will have to go to the kind of desperate lengths other one-note celebrities go to, like launching an Anatamy of the Fall recap podcast, or recording a bark-filled remix of the steel drum cover of P.I.M.P by 50 Cent. Donβt Felton yourself, Messi. Never Felton yourself!!! Itβs too grim!!!
Jail
Someone punched Steve Buscemi in the face in a random attack in New York, and I just have one thing to say.
This is egregious. Itβs like pushing Luis GuzmΓ‘n down the stairs, like giving Fred Melamed an atomic wedgie. Not OK!Β
Bye babes xxxxΒ