Helloooo,
Who else is feeling tired as hell right now? Major sleepyhead energy over here. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had eight hours of sleep in about a week, or maybe because I have an iron deficiency I choose to ignore. God only knows. Doesn’t seem like that’s any of my business?
I hope you had a great Valentine’s Day, by the way.
🍀 SWEETIE RATES 🍀
The word “goo”
A word as unsettling as it is fabulous. Goo. Says it all, really. Replace the name of any viscous, oozing, wet-ish substance with “goo” and you’re off to the races.
Paste? Goo. Mud? Goo. Slime? Baby, you KNOW that’s goo!
Now that everyone is talking like they work in HR, we need to start having FUN with our word choices again.
Goo.
‘Crushed’
The Atavist Magazine publishes one true story every month, and they nary disappoint. This month’s longread, Crushed by Nile Cappello, is about a group of tween YouTubers who’ve been swept up in a cultish cycle in their quest for eyeballs and engagement.
Not only is it a heartbreaking story of a family torn apart by the pursuit of fame, it’s a morbidly fascinating insight into how a child’s internet presence can quickly slide into severe exploitation. As riveting as it is chilling. I read it one great, big gulp.
The effects of vlogging on the human brain will need to be studied for centuries.
Orangutan driving a golf cart
I’m just a girl, standing in front of her readers, asking them to watch an orangutan drive around in a golf cart.
In fact, here is the version of the video that I most enjoy. You might too, if you like The Sopranos. Perhaps even if you do not.
How I ever missed the original video from 2021 is beyond me, and I am more than a little ashamed to be only finding out about it now. I hope you haven’t lost respect for me due to this oversight and I hope we can still be friends.
What’s very embarrassing is the fact that I cannot drive, yet this portly orangutan can, and does, with an enchanting ease. And according to Snopes, yes, the orangutan is really driving. Her name is Rambo and she is part of a collective of wild animals kept in captivity for exhibition. She ‘belongs’ to the daughter of Sheikha Fatima Rashed Al Maktoum, the daughter of the prime minister of the United Arab Emirates.
Perhaps most incredibly, she’s also somehow picked up the hand-on-the-roof placement that is usually reserved for 65-year old farmers. Go Rambo!!!
☠️ SWEETIE HATES ☠️
MGK and Megan Fox
They’re Harley Quinn and The Joker for people who get into fights at McDonald’s. They’re the couple in high school that gave themselves paper cuts to make a blood pact with each other. As edgy as a circle, paint watches them dry.
I have strong, disparate feelings about celebrity couples. Lord knows why. Maybe I feel I didn’t get enough attention in childhood. I digress. It’s hard to see a gorgeous Megan felled by a man who looks like he is perpetually sticky, like Sid from Toy Story bought a stick-n-poke kit from AliExpress.
And after giving her an engagement ring that is physically painful to take off, he cheats on her? You know, some guys just can’t hold their arsenic.
When people say “bless you” before you sneeze
Jesus Christ on a cracker there are few things I hate more than someone saying “bless you” before I have actually sneezed and yes I am being deadly serious. People who do this need to go straight to hades. Every time this happens to me the sneeze is slurped back up into my brain and it makes my sinus feel like it’s filled with static.
I firmly believe that apart from being smug and presumptuous, it is bad luck. I place the blame squarely on these people for any and all bad things that have happened in my life.
Maltesers
These are not good at all, I’m sorry to say.
Sleep well xx