Goth Children, Bezos Nups, Bikin’ 😵💫
Warning: billionaire mentioned
Heyyyyy,
You can call me Billy Idol the way I’m Hot in the City rn. Writing this with a fan trained directly on my face, because we’re in another heatwave, and I want to live, bitch.
But don’t worry!!! I’m making the hot little weekend work in my favour. There’s nothing that beats the heat like reading in the shade of the woods, drinking coconut water, and making a cold, dense chicken salad. I don’t care, I love it!
🦇SWEETIE RATES 🦇
Another one
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick’s son Travis Bacon turned 36 this week, and that’s nice and all, but did you know… He’s also a goth?
Yep. That’s right. Footloose and The Closer raised a goth. He can now be added to the pantheon of Goth Children of Celebrities. He joins the ranks with Cher and Gregg Allman’s son Elijah Blue Allman, Nic Cage’s son Weston Coppola Cage, semi-retired goth Kelly Osbourne, and Mortimer and Bella Goth’s children, Cassandra and Alexander.
I fear goths are dying out—when was the last time you saw one?—so let’s get these numbers up, people! I want to see Demonias being given to newborns in Cedars-Sinai, pronto!
Lime crimes
92-year old icon Joan Collins HATES Lime bikes, making her stance known with this incensed Instagram post.
Look, she’s not exactly wrong. And I feel like, spiritually, I should agree with Joan. But unfortunately, anyone that drinks orange wine as often as I do is legally obliged to use and appreciate Lime bikes, so I’m at a loss on this one. As a Limer, I would never park on the pavement and obstruct anyone’s way, because I feel the need to seppuku myself even when I accidentally get in someone's way at Tesco, but unfortunately, other people aren’t as self hating as I am.
Here’s the thing. Limes are deeply un-chic in appearance, they’re always grimy, they’re breaking everyone’s legs, people leave their rubbish in the baskets, hardly anyone can park them to save their life, I’ve rocked up to many a pre-booked bike only to find that a literal child has hacked into it and ridden away, you can almost never find one when you’re genuinely in a rush and yet… a Lime bike still hits. When you’re gliding along, listening to Madonna’s Ray of Light and shaving ten minutes off your commute? You feel infinite. Please don’t take my Limes away.
Bezos luv
Yeah, yeah, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez had an ugly, tacky wedding in Venice. Yes, it’s awful how rich they are. Yes, it’s a travesty how much money they throw at frivolities while people are dying in the street from deprivation.
BUT here’s one nice thing I will say about Jeff Bezos: it’s cute how obsessed with his wife he is.
He love, love loves her. From his leaked, iconic “I love you, alive girl” text to him definitely helping her land this strange, Metropolis-esque spread in Vogue, to backing the Blue Origin flight that derailed Katy Perry’s relationship with Orlando Bloom, Jeff is alllll in on Lauren.
Look, his smile is almost reaching his eyes!
They match each others’ freaks, that’s for sure.
So, now that I’ve said something nice about you, Jeff, can you please give me a year-long subscription to StudioCanal for free?
🔫 SWEETIE HATES 🔫
Bond Saṃsāra
Denis Villeneuve is directing the next James Bond film. His picks for the next Bond now that they’ve finally put Daniel Craig down like a horse with a broken leg? Three men with small mouths: Tom Holland, Jacob Elordi and Harris Dickinson.
Great. But I’ve had it up to here with this Bond nonsense. WHY on God’s green earth is there still speculation about who the next James Bond will be? It honestly feels like this conversation has been going for five hundred years at this point. The new pope was conclaved in two days. Prime ministerial elections are usually confirmed within 24 hours of the polls opening. Casting the next James Bond? It’s really, truly not that deep. I mean, how hard can it be to hire a white guy? Happens all the time.
I have a theory that James Bond producer Barbara Broccoli (was Barbara Cauliflower taken?) is just dragging this out to specifically torture Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who has been heralded as the potential next Bond since 2022. Twenty. Twenty. Two. And it’s still not over yet. Here he is being asked about it just the other day.
You can kinda tell he wants it so bad 🙁Aaron, when you meet the right person role, I promise they’ll it’ll choose you back.
Whatever. I have long believed the role of Jimmy B will be going to Callum Turner, and then Dua Lipa will do the fêted Bond Song and then some young people and the users of r/popheadscirclejerk might care about the whole affair.
Me? I don’t give a hoot. The last time I watched a Bond film—Skyfall—I had to take the friend I watched it with to the emergency room afterwards. That was enough for me.
People who don’t like to talk about the weather
“Talking about the weather is mundane”, “Talking about the weather is boring” “It’s the worst small talk you can offer”. Shut up! You’re boring.
I love talking about the weather. I will never, ever get tired of the weather as a topic of conversation. Complaining, complimenting, doesn’t matter to me. I love commenting on it, hearing about it, mulling it over. I don’t find it to be awkward fodder for small talk. I love small talk!
What else do you want to talk about, if not the one thing we’re all objectively experiencing? Pap smears? Please. Though I’d be more than happy to talk about those too. Just let me finish talking about how I prefer dry heat to humidity first.
Just found out I’m the same age as Zohran Mamdani