Hi buddy,
There is less ENERGY, less VIM, less VIGOUR this week because I had a STOMACH BUG and I am TIRED from VOMITING. So I canβt be funny or smart this week. Or any other week, actually. Letβs use that as a blanket excuse to cover me until the new year. Mummy is tired!
π« SWEETIE RATES π«
Vigilante Shit
Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a mumβ¦Β
Gypsy Rose Blanchard will be exiting her prison era on 28 December, and she would like to befriend Taylor Swift, thank you very much. With tickets secured for a Kansas City Chiefs game just days after her release, Gypsy Rose is hoping to connect with fellow criminal, Taylor (climate crimes).
Iβm all for it!Β Gypsy Rose has had a hard life, let her have a little treat. I know Taylor has stepped away from her squadding past, but should she ever want to reboot the idea, letβs get Gypsy Rose in there. Leslie Van Houten, youβre in too. Heck, letβs get Patty Hearst on the horn, for old timeβs sake.Β
Alexa Chungβs 40 tings
Iβm a millennial woman β I love Gaviscon and Alexa Chung. A guiding light since my teen years, Alexa has always had a starring role on my Mount Rushmore of CFW (Cool Fucking Women). After turning 40 this week β and celebrating in a latex dress inspired by In The Mood for Love β she wrote an article for British Vogue about what sheβs learned during her time on earth. Itβs just really, really nice.
I think I actually may try cottage cheese with pickles and hot sauce, just to suck up. Thanks, Alexa.Β
Houdini by Dua Lipa
I canβt help it! Iβm just a poptimist through and through. I love Dua Lipa like sheβs my Amazonian goddess of a daughter and also my mother and also an older cousin I look up to. Sheβs dancing! Sheβs got red hair! And, as the children would say, her face card never declines!
Houdini sounds like a generic, familiar pop song from the 80βs, but remixed by Dracula. Hey, did anyone here ever go to Draculaβs on the Gold Coast? God, I always wanted to go so badly. And I still do.
I bet Dua Lipa would really like it there, too. Maybe we could go together? I know she loves an endless holiday. I could also take her to SuprΓ© at Pacific Fair. Then, of course, weβd have to go on the Scooby Doo ride at Movie World. Pop into Pancakes on Paradise afterwards, also. I dunnoβ¦ Iβm just spitballing. I think sheβd be into it. Thatβs all. Nothing wrong with that.Β
π SWEETIE HATES π
Nicki Minajβs 73 Questions
This is one of my most stilted and uncomfortable viewing experiences in recent memory. Is Nickiβ¦ OK? Or is Anna Wintour hiding behind the camera with a gun?Β
Iβm not sure itβs physically possible for me to make it to the end of this video. Itβs more painful than Season 12 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I get that Vogue wants to feign some semblance of authenticity with these videos, but perhaps a second take might have been a nice idea.Β
Still, there are some kinda iconic responses hereβ¦ Describe Beyonce in one word: βBlondeβ¦ hairβ *eyes bulging*. Perfect. Sheβs not wrong. Great gowns, beautiful gowns.
Bring back kink shaming
This gets a no from me, dawg. I donβt need to hear a sordid sex tale about a toothless man in his 70βs cheating on his partner with a 32 year old woman that has a senior citizen fetish. Ok? I have a lot on my plate right now.Β
Remember like seven years ago when annoying people online started foaming at the mouth and saying βNO KINK SHAMING, YOU CANβT KINK SHAME MEEE!β Counterpoint: Yes. I. Can. You are not oppressed because you want to write fan fiction about the Supernatural brothers doing incest but you donβt want to be judged for it. I canβt sanction that.Β
Chris Pratt dog-whistling
Dang lil mama you is such a loser! Crisp Rat simply never runs out of reasons to remind us why heβs the Worst Chris. Get your sycophantic, militaristic BS outta here. I suppose him espousing right-wing dogma shouldnβt come as a surprise, his brother Daniel is a cop and a known Three Percenter, and Chris nodded to his own support for the far right-wing group in 2022. Heβll be in office four years from now, Iβm sure of it.Β
Seeeeee youuuuu byeeee nowwwww