Hiiiiiiiii!!!
Happy week! Happy times. Happy life.
Let’s do the SWEETIE Weekly.
😹 SWEETIE RATES 😹
Caesar salad
It might make me sound like a bad feminist to say this, but I love salad. Big salads, little salads, ones the size of your head, I’ll take em’ all. I just adore that wet foliage.
I’m not sure if there’s been a cultural shift or if I just never paid attention before, but I’ve been getting fed a heaping of caesar salad content over the last couple of months. I mean this question genuinely — has caesar salad always had this much hype? I thought it petered off in relevance circa the 2008 financial crisis but I, as always, may be wrong.
I digress. For me personally, caesar salad is back and better than ever. It’s creamy, it’s glossy, it’s crunchy, it’s fresh, it’s filling, it’s life-giving. It pairs perfectly with a Coke and a hangover.
Caesar salad is for the girls. It’s woman-coded. Everyone else can have a different salad, like, I don't know, cobb or whatever. Give me that delicious slop and let’s call it a day. I’ll take the caesar with chicken, bacon or halloumi — I’m simply not fussed. Just hold the boiled egg, please. I’m eating a caesar salad right now. And you can’t stop me.
Calling things “low vibrational”
This one never gets old. Overhead lighting? Low vibrational. Blisters? Low vibrational. Pronouncing niche as “nitch” instead of “neesh?” You better believe that’s low vibrational. There is no insult that’s more abstruse. Calling things low vibrational is as mysterious as it is annoying. That’s what I love about it.
Just sharks
Hey, you’ve probably had a hard week. You’re probably stressed, recovering from the Sunday scaries. It’s ok. Here are a bunch of cool and huge great white sharks to tide you over.
Just… watch with the sound off. No offence but the guy who narrates this has a clipped, chronic ‘internet accent’ and it’s best to mute it or just play your own music. Or better yet, narrate it yourself. Idk, it’s your life, I can only take you so far.
😿 SWEETIE HATES 😿
Besmirching Sarah Jessica Parker
For as long as I can remember, truly, it’s been perfectly fine to label Sarah Jessica Parker ugly. If you were a teenager in the noughties, which I regrettably was, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
The conversations about SJP’s looks throughout her career have been full of an almost incandescent rage. People have always fallen over themselves to affirm that she is equine and ungainly. Family Guy made multiple references to her looks. Maxim called her the “unsexiest woman alive” in print. In the late noughties, throughout lolcats and Chuck Norris references, you would find meme after meme of the same hack joke — Sarah Jessica is a horse, and a homely one at that. Hey, here’s a whole website dedicated to the gag.
I’ve affirmed many times that I’m #TeamCattrall (he bit all the he-dogs and winked at all the she-dogs, after all) but when the discourse surrounding Sarah Jessica Parker’s attractiveness comes up, which it still does cyclically, I get heated. I can’t help but jump to her defence.
Sarah Jessica Parker is not ugly. She does not look like a horse. She is not plain. If you think you’d meet Sarah Jessica Parker in the flesh and think she wasn’t absolutely effervescent and charismatic you’d be absolutely joking with yourself. She is jolie laide embodied. She looks like a cool, striking woman with a pleasing uniqueness.
Plus, so what if she WAS ugly? Would being better looking in people’s eyes make the character of Carrie more worthy of the annoying, cruel and often-balding men found in the Sex and the City universe? Would it mean that her husband, Matthew Broderick, would be able to go back in time and undo his vehicular manslaughter? No.
Not ugly.
Not ugly.
Not even a little ugly.
It’s maddening! Justice for SJP.
These two
I hate to encourage the Daily Mail in literally anything they do or think or believe or say, but damn, my jaw was on the floor for the entirety of this absolute rollercoaster. I saw this article (?) Twitter, and thought, “how bad could it be?” Very bad, it turns out. Very. Bad.
The vibes here are monstrous, diabolical. This is the kind of distilled hatred that is usually reserved for mums toward your high school best friend, or for Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker (who, coincidentally, catches a crude jab in this). It’s almost staggering how much these two individually suck. I’m going to need a based-on-a-true-story of their marriage miniseries to be greenlit STAT.
Those damn bottle rolling TikToks
I am begging the internet with tears in my eyes to please stop this madness.
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I physically cannot watch these. These videos are so viscerally uncomfortable that I can’t bear it. The sound of friction between two hard surfaces, the echoing of the glass breaking, this is a sensory hellscape. Is this fetish content? It has to be fetish content.
Why can’t everyone online just post the things that I like all the time? Is that so hard?
Bye for now!!!