Hello SWEETIES,
How are we living?
I have regrets. Last night when running through the rain with my friend Ruby we ran past a gaggle of tall people. She turned to me, shocked, “That was Austin Butler!” I craned my neck to look, but only saw the back of him and a Kaia Gerber-shaped shape. “God, he is really hot.” Ruby said.
I was mad. Foaming at the mouth. Why was I watching where I was going instead of staring at strangers in case they were famous! In order to console myself, we spoke in Elvis impressions the whole way home. Mama.
But wait, I had a vision, I did indeed turn back and get a proper look at him, and he WAS hot. Upon waking, I was crushed to find out that this was just a dream. This is where I am in life. Embarrassing.
Ready for the newsletty?
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On the J Low
Variety released a profile on superstar Jennifer Lopez this week, and if you haven’t read it yet, strap in for an eyebrow-raising ride. In the throes of promoting her new album, documentary and musical film — JLo needs bums in seats, and baby, I’m seated.
The musical film This Is Me… Now: A Love Story, the documentary The Greatest Love Story Never Told and the album This Is Me… Now are all part of an ambitious multimedia project that has been self-funded to the tune of $20M. I think it goes without saying that it requires a lot of conviction to put that much money on the line, but this is Jennifer Lopez, after all.
One of the most admirable qualities Jennifer Lopez embodies is her complete lack of self-awareness. She is first and foremost guided by her ego, which sustains her. She’s an average singer, an incredible dancer and an expert famous person. Most people wouldn’t have been able to stomach the often-unfair treatment that she has received from the press over the course of her career, but she shines regardless, because I believe she genuinely doesn’t have the capacity to question herself. She’s a Leo, through and through.
The way Jennifer Lopez can spin a quote or an action from someone else and rejig it to fit her herstory is top-notch. Jane Fonda says to Jennifer: “Like, it feels too much like you’re trying to prove something instead of just living it. You know, every other photograph is the two of you kissing and the two of you hugging.” This is a remarkably forthright thing to say to a friend, and it doesn’t even occur to Jennifer to be offended or defensive. She can’t seem to conceive of it as an insult.
Of Ayo Edebiri’s recently resurfaced quotes about Jennifer, which bubbled up right before they were set to feature on SNL together, Jen says: “She was mortified and very sweet. She came to my dressing room and apologised with tears in her eyes, saying how terrible it was that she had said those things. She felt really badly and loved my performance because we had just done my soundcheck and she actually got to hear me perform. She was just like, ‘I’m so fucking sorry, it was so awful of me.’
Now tell me, why did she have to mention the tears, the grovelling, the contrition? Because a simple apology is not worth it Jennifer unless she’s able to show the utter pain bestowed on the apologiser.
Describing her husband and muse Ben Affleck’s response to the film This Is Me … Now: A Love Story: “He said, ‘You made a movie. For you. You made a great movie. You did it.’” Lopez’s eyes mist up. “Honestly, I don’t care what happens now. That is the biggest kind of compliment that I could get.”
Listen, if someone is complimenting your film and the first thing they say is “You made a movie. For you” then please trust and believe that they are duty-bound to be kind.
I hope Jennifer Lopez never, ever, ever leaves the public eye. Some people were born to be famous, and some were built to be famous. JLo, miraculously, is both. Can’t wait to watch This Is Me… Now: A Love Story!
Rita, Rita, Rita
Kelly Rowland, who I once saw in Bondi when she was in an annoyed mood, walked out on the Today show this week because her dressing room was a piece of shit, or something like that. As she was meant to guest host the 10AM slot with Hoda Kotb, the crew were left scrambling to replace her.
Luckily, patron saint of the Who? Weekly podcast and full-time fame monger Rita Ora was there to save the day, and the segment. Sometimes I wonder how Rita Ora is so skilled at staying in the public eye, and this is why. She COMMITS. She SHOWS UP, ready to roll. She is FIERCE and UNAFRAID with her FUCK ASS BOB and enviable CONFIDENCE. Closed mouths don’t get fed.
Page Six sez Ora said online she was asked to fill in, while sources previously said she “volunteered” which is a very shady way of saying that Rita had been waiting at the front door of the studio, rattling a tin can, before a producer sighed, shook their head, and waved her in to hair and makeup. May we all enter this week with the self esteem and preparedness of Rita Sahatçiu Ora. And JLo too. Representation for extremely confident women is desperately needed.
Says it all, really
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Divas down
You’ve heard of divas having a queen off, but have you ever heard two divas having a scream off? Yes, And? Ariana Grande’s first single from forthcoming car-crash Eternal Sunshine now comes with a Mariah Carey version.
Turn. The volume. Down. Unless you want every dog in your neighbourhood to start howling like it’s New Year’s Eve.
Sir, a second whistle tone has hit the building.
The song overall has a fascinating, flattening effect that makes it sound like neither of them can sing — a crushing disservice. It’s a total miss. I think they should have saved this for, I don’t know, the Trolls 4 soundtrack or something.
Bros
In news that will make you say “Oh. Okay then,” Johnny Depp and Saudi Crown Prince MBS seemed to have formed a tight, formidable bromance.
As per this incroyablé piece from Vanity Fair, the two met after Saudi Arabia poured millions into Depp’s 2023 flop Jeanne du Barry, and the friendship blossomed from there. Mostly because they similarly know “how it felt to suddenly go from golden boy to outcast.” Vomit in mouth, anyone?
My editorial position is that I despise them both. Depp for obvious reasons and MBS for… umm, obvious reasons, too. What’s that saying? Birds of a feather flock together.
Ohmygodshoes
I try not to judge the sartorial choices of other people, because who am I, really? But… I hate these shoes so much that a part of my soul dies whenever I see them stalking the streets. Sorry! Monster High ass lookin’ shoes. The official uniform of Halsey fans. It’s giving Senorita Awesome.
I don’t care about sustainability anymore. Burn, burn, burn.
Thanks and goodbye forever! Jk, see you next week.