Good morning/evening/Sunday/Monday. Wherever the hell you are, whatever the hell time it is, sending you love, light and a brand new newsy. Let’s go!
⭐️ SWEETIE RATES ⭐️
This Is Me… Trying
I often find documentaries about the making of a film much more interesting than the film itself — I choose Heart of Darkness over Apocalypse Now, Burden of Dreams over Fitzcarraldo, and now, Jennifer Lopez’s The Greatest Love Story Never Told over This is Me… Now.
JLo pumped $20M USD of her own money into her three-part creative endeavour — an album, the “musical film” of the same name, and a documentary about the making of the film — and all three have flopped. HARD. But after a double feature of the two films on a truly wild Friday night, I walked away with a newfound appreciation for the woman.
I get why the projects fell flat. There are no two ways about it — This is Me… Now (the musical film) is terrible. Awful. An affront to filmmaking. It’s a green-screened, garbled, AI-generated nightmare. On the other hand, the doco, The Greatest Love Story Never Told is shockingly candid and kind of incredible.
Much has been made of JLo’s delusions, but it’s these exact delusions that make her so giving as a documentary subject. She simply doesn’t see anything she does or says as narcissistic, out of touch, or cringey, and this confidence is what gives us an unfettered glimpse into her mind. From that now-viral clip of her taking her hair out and spouting off about her youth in the Bronx, to her doing a strange, clipped dance with an umbrella, JLo is doing JLo. Unapologetically.
Even if the material wasn’t worth her paying for out of her own pocket, I found myself awed by JLo by the time the credits rolled. Imagine believing in yourself to that extent, to follow through on backing yourself and your ideas, making your aspirations come to life, simply because you see no other way around it. Call ME delusional, but while it may not be fiscally responsible, that’s inspiring as fuck!
Not for nothing, The Greatest Love Story Never Told is also extremely funny. There is a lengthy decision about which consistency of prop mud is the correct one. Ben Affleck earnestly tries to explain what lighting gels are to JLo, who doesn’t give a single hoot. But the best part for me has to be the scene where JLo’s producers and yes-men are reeling off the names of A and B-list celebrities who have declined to appear in This is Me… Now. One person says “Do you want Vanessa Hudgens, by the way?” JLo, with no hesitation, fires back, “For what?” Exactly.
Brooklyn Beckham do something right challenge
So hard to say the lines, but so amazing to see. It seems that nepo baby Brooklyn Beckham was supposed to have a cameo in wife Nicola Peltz Beckham’s directorial debut, Lola, but he ended up on the cutting room floor 🙁
I know, it does seem mean of Nicola, who allegedly pushed her nanny/ies down the stairs, but she had a valid reason. Nicola told the Hollywood Reporter: “He had one line, ‘Hi,’ but he kept saying it in a British accent and he was staring directly into the camera… I was like, ‘Oh God, we have to move on, good lord.”
I, too, am accustomed to failing, so I don’t want to be too hard on poor Brooklyn. He tried modelling, He tried photography. He tried cooking. He tried to say one line in a movie. Maybe they didn’t exactly work out for him, but so what? One day he’s really going to find what makes him shine!!!
I kind of want to preserve him in a bubble on a 24/7 basis to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. Or put him in one of those glass cases in The Natural History Museum, so I can watch him make a cheese toastie, forever.
The elliptical machine
Far and away the most whimsical way to work out. It’s so diva. It feels like you’re on a carnival ride, or taking a turn on one of the exhibits at Questacon. I love it. I bet Kylie Minogue slays an elliptical session.
💥 SWEETIE HATES 💥
House of Wax
Ripleys Believe it or Not have just unveiled a new Lady Gaga wax figure…
You’re right. I don’t believe it. This is Lady Gaga? THE Lady Gaga? Hun, that’s Ozempic Dorinda Medley. My conspiracy theory is that someone high up at Madame Tussauds hated Joker, and is using Lady Gaga’s wax proxy to make a statement about its pending, presumably awful, sequel Joker: Folie à Deux.
Seeing as Joker completely lifted its plot from King of Comedy, I am thinking of placing bets on which film Todd Phillips is going to mine for content this time. My bet at the time of publication? Breathless. Idk!
Sheeeeet
I read all of The Guardian’s stupid and great weekly features. When it comes to You Be The Judge, though, I literally feel like Mugatu at the end of Zoolander after reading pretty much all of them.
Computer... Enhance:
Upon reading this, I madly scrolled down, sure that the judges would agree with me.
Lola, you’re a disgusting beast and your wicked ways will catch up with you.
Do you realllyyyyy mean to tell me that these people are not only changing their bedding just once a month, they’re getting DEFENSIVE about it too? I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m upset, and I’ve been had by rage bait once again. Can’t wait for next week’s edition.
Help
Look, I’m sorry to link to The Dodo your Facebook-loving aunty’s favourite site, but there is a person trapped in this cat and I’m really scared.
ADIOS