Hi hi,
Happy Easter! I hope you’re having a good time doing whatever it is that you do on Easter. This holiday has always kind of stumped me, if I’m being completely honest, so I have ended up doing basically nothing except sitting quietly and journaling and snacking.
Also I want to take this opportunity to apologise profusely for saying last week that the full moon was on the 6th when it was actually on the 5th. That was a typo I will regret for the rest of my PATHETIC life!!!!!!!!!!! But it’s no big deal.
Anyway.
💚 SWEETIE RATES 💚
Michael McDonald
He sings like a cartoon dog and he kinda looks like one too. A living legend. Apart from being a prolific musician and whatever he also seems like the person in a group setting that notices when you’ve fallen behind while walking and waits for you to catch up. I like him a lot — even though he’s an Aquarius.
Procrastinating
In the time I should have written even a sliver of this SWEETIE Weekly edition, I studied my whole astrocartography chart, made some fake ‘Snickers’ with dark chocolate, peanut butter and medjool dates that were inspired by Carla Lalli Music’s “energy sandwich” and found a barely-worn Acne skirt on Depop for 20% off. Like many with a sandblasted sense of concentration, I am an adept procrastinator.
Instead of sending an invoice I will clean the bathroom. Instead of cleaning the bathroom I will trim my fingernails. Instead of trimming my fingernails I will do a load of washing. Instead of doing the washing I will reorganise my shoes. Instead of reorganising my shoes I will send the invoice. Tasks come and go with waning urgency and I pick whichever calls to me in an effort to not do the one thing I should.
Procrastinating rules, actually. It’s like playing life only as side missions. I think most of the useless information that pollutes my brain has come from putting off a more pressing task. Taking some time to lay fully clothed on the bed and delaying my weekly grocery shop is a great way to learn about Chloe Fineman’s past affiliation with Scientology or the best analysis of Wings of Desire.
Aquarium TV
Did you know that watching fish in an aquarium has calming effects on the brain 🙂
Watch some aquarium TV, some stream 24 hours a day on YouTube and you can watch people leave comments in real time as they ache for human connection 🙂
You will find your troubles melting away after five minutes 🙂
Perfect for those riddled with anxiety 🙂
👿 SWEETIE HATES 👿
K*lie and T*mothée
While I am sure this is scammy BS, I feel like it’s an obligation of mine to discuss the hallucinatory pairing of Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet. This is like Pinocchio taking out the Green M&M. In a way though, it kinda makes sense — and here’s why.
Exhibit A: He raps
Timmy has a history of being a rap aficionado. Kylie has a history of dating rappers.
Statistics… Yep. The maths here is pretty straightforward!
Exhibit B: He’s in with the family
Who could forget this unfortunately iconic post by Kanye? Pictured here with Pete Davidson and Kid Cudi, Timmy is the only one from this image who hasn’t caught a public stray by Ye. This means he’s in the Karjenner good books, right alongside the venerable Tristan Thompson...
Exhibit C: Logic
She’s kinda his type. Despite looking like an ethereal Dickensian orphan, Timothee loves a pouty, siren-eyed beauty. His previous public relationships have been with Lourdes Leon, Lily Rose Depp and Eiza González and I hate to say it, but Kylie fits the bill.
Though I can justify it, I do not rate this pairing one iota. I liked Timothee when he was in his societal-collapse era, and judging by her misguided TikToks, I’m not quite sure Kylie has exited her period of gross wealth exuberance. This pairing gets a C- from me.
Don’t (!) by Simu Liu
Oh bitch, this is bad. This is The-Voice-winner’s-first-single-bad. Nobody, except of course for Simu himself, wanted or needed this energy to be let out into the universe. This is so Jeremy Renner-coded it’s not even funny.
Terrible music from a man with wack opinions. Classic.
Chocolate chip hot cross buns
Chocolate chip hot cross buns are the coward's choice for an Easter treat. These are for babies. And weaklings. If you can’t handle the adult’s hot cross bun — the classic kind — then you should be put on a list. Classic is the only way to go. If I don’t have scalding hot raisins burning tf out of my mouth on Easter Sunday then the holiday is for nought.
Luv yewww xoxoxo