Hi there,
Just because you’re desperate to know, I got up at 7am this morning, dressed myself in activewear and got avocado toast and an iced latte from Breadfern. Nature is healing.
This past week has seen me Animorphing into an even more Australian version of myself. A banana-print bucket hat is magically appearing on my head. I might even start saying strewth by the time the second week is out. Argh! It's fine.
🪸 SWEETIE RATES 🪸
Dermal lip balm (original)
She is the mother I never had; she is the sister everybody would want; she is the friend everybody deserves; I don't know a better lip balm. I have bought three tubes while I’m here, which I estimate will last me 2.5 years, give or take, and I am already worried about running out.
Sofia Vergara steps out with orthopedic surgeon
Can you believe it, girls? Hunk actors/singers/athletes are OUT, speciality doctors are IN. I’m calling it now!
Take a sip of this divine headline.
This is my cellar door.
Now, and this is just me, if the press described me simply as an orthopedic surgeon I would kill myself look for ways to make my identity more compelling. But you know what, Justin Saliman, you’re a trendsetter. You’re the kind of foot guy I can get behind. Don’t we all, at the end of the day, just want to be photographed on a dinner date with orthopedic surgeon Justin Saliman at Funke restaurant in Beverly Hills?
We can only hope a not-so-newly single Meryl Streep will find romance with an otolaryngologist. Perhaps Sophie Turner can be swept off her feet by a wily endocrinologist. I’m just spitballing.
Scouse wake up call
Think pieces, Twitter threads, memes and discourse seem to follow the trail of Jada Pinkett Smith’s constant oversharing. The last time the woman actually acted was as a damn fool. But nothing, and I mean nothing at all, will ever be as effective as a response to her BS as this take down in the form of a 15 second clip from a no-nonsense scouser wearing an Oodie.
Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
It’s not just Jada who needs to hear this. I too needed to hear this. Omw to Who Gives a Fuck Mountain rn!
🤨 SWEETIE HATES 🤨
This doesn’t Rock
A new, monstrous wax figure resembling Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has been unveiled by Musée Grévin in Paris. The figure, let’s call him The Stone, has an intoxicating buffet of vibes. He looks as if Mr Clean were a bouncer at G-A-Y. He bleeds blue and he turns his bodycam off. He has chronic Facebook-brain and still shares posts valorising Johnny Depp. I want to see it in real life very, very badly.
I wonder if the wax figure lies about his height, just like the man to which he is paying homage.
She’s unstoppable…
As we all innately understand, there are Good Australians, and there are Bad Australians. Peer-reviewed examples include:
Good: Kylie Minogue, Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman
Bad: Mel Gibson, Iggy Azalea, Ruby Rose
Singer, songwriter, facelift advocate, autism expert and Razzie award winning director Sia almost effortlessly falls under the Bad Australian umbrella. Her corniness is almost mesmerising — from those fuck-ass fringed bobs, to her Whatever Dude schtick, to her obsession with child Maddie Ziegler… Eesh. She is Adelaide through and through (derogatory).
Now, Sia has taken note from singer-turned-influencer Pia Mia. This weekend saw Sia singing her own song, Unstoppable, very, very loudly at a dinner party.
From what I can tell by my expert body language skills, the reception to the singing seems to be a mixture of delight and repulsion from guests like Kathy Griffin, Selma Blair and Jesse Tyler Ferguson. I just know everyone at this table has toe-curling opinions about Israel.
I wish I could say this is the first time Sia has done this, God I just WISH I could say that to you. Alas, I cannot. She is a prolific impromptu performer. Here she is singing Alive at a ‘private dinner’ which I don’t care to investigate further. She even sang Chandelier at Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding, though something tells me they did not ask her to do that. Now look at them. Divorced as hell. All because of Sia!
Do you want to know something fun while we’re here? Pia Mia has ack-shually covered Unstoppable before. Full circle moment.
Aural terror
Let me tell you something. I have never heard this song still being played anywhere in the world except Australia, and on my third day back in the country, I heard it TWO times in the space of a couple of hours. I came to like a sleeper agent, immediately filled with a white-hot rage, ready to strangle the closest man wearing a V-neck tee from Topman.
I simply forgot how often it comes on in shops, on the radio, out of people’s passing cars. James Arthur, who croaked out this laryngitis-coded abomination, deserves severe, punitive discipline. I don’t know if you guys have ever heard a dying cow, but if you haven’t, close your eyes and press play! Takes me back home <3
Ciao for now