Hola cutie,
January just keeps chugging along, eh? I like it. Everyone is so hard on January. Leave her alone! This is the only month of the year you get to pretend to be bad at your job and blame it on the holidays still reverberating in your mind. Do you think you can pull that shit in February? Didnโt think so.ย
Despite this, I have been hard at work for you people, putting together yet another painstakingly crafted newsletter. Iโm just jokinโ around again. Hope you like it anyway.
๐ฝ SWEETIE RATES ๐ฝ
Cats that look like my dead cat
My cat Zoolander, may God rest his rude soul, was born when I was 17. It was love at first sight. Well, it was for me at least, he could not return the favour because his baby blue eyes were horribly crusted over. He was the runt of the litter, a teeny, tiny, pure white kitten, and we werenโt sure he would make it. With a few weeks of care, full of hand-feeding and eye-crust washing, he began thriving. Even before he was better, I knew there was no way he was not going to remain my cat, my little white familiar.ย
Iโd never seen a cat like Zoolander before. Born pale as a sheet of printer paper, he eventually began to turn orange on his ears and then his tail, until he looked like some kind of pretty Pokรฉmon. In cat circles, this is referred to as a โcream pointโ, likely a recessive gene from distant Siamese roots. He grew to be absolutely massive, way bigger than the other cats from his litter, and he was fond of sleeping in my bed as the little spoon. He would come out from the scrub when I called for him and always expected to be showered with my attention.ย
After I moved out at 18, he became very nasty. I feel responsible. When I would come home from uni breaks or to visit my family, we would nestle into our same routine together, and then I would leave, and he would turn mean again. He wasnโt kind to our other cats, starting fights and bullying the younger ones at feeding time.ย
Zoolander contracted FIV from fighting a stray cat, and he eventually died from it in 2021 as an ugly bag of bones. Before he died, he went missing for weeks, heading into the bush, presumably to die. It didnโt take and he came back, much to everyoneโs surprise. A few months later he repeated this venture, but this time, he did not return.ย
I love my stupid dead cat, and luckily for me, there are many, many cats on the internet who look just like him that I can stalk. Theyโre not the same, no cat ever could be, but this is what I assume the end goal was when whoever invented the internet did so. Wait, who did invent the internet?? Probably a man.ย
Fast food
If anything about me could be considered a toxic trait (even though Iโm literally perfect?) itโd be that I love fast food. I donโt mean it in a faux-relatable-internet-Tumblr-millennial-pizza-quirky-Jennifer-Lawrence way, I mean it in the way that if I could eat McDonaldโs every single day of my life without destroying my organs, I would, and I would be blissfully happy.ย
Where people look at these kinds of images of capitalist America and see moral and social decay, I say โMmmm, yummy. I wonder which drive-through Iโd pick.โย
I will eat at any fast food establishment you can throw my way, and I would do my best to have the sickest time with a delicious, salt-riddled meal. It doesnโt matter what kind of incredible cultural experiences Iโve had in my life, a burger is always going to be my favourite food. Maybe Iโm a baby. Or, maybe youโre an elitist? Yeah, I actually think that might be it.
Gonzo and Camilla
I was raised on a steady diet of The Muppets, and have an emotional connection to them that borders on concerning. I could talk about The Muppets all day. Today, though, I only want to focus on one crucial element in Muppets lore โ Gonzo and his sweet bride, Camilla.ย
A Muppet and his chicken sweetheart, is it really so wrong? What they have together is a love that is scarcely found elsewhere, a love so pure and tender it defies the parameters we set for ourselves in our own romantic lives. If only we could be as infatuated as Gonzo, as loved as Camilla, perhaps the world around us could resonate with greater kindness.
Gonzo simping over his lilโ chicky babe fills my heart with joy. There were others before her, of course, itโs a little-known fact that Gonzo once had a fixation with Big Bird, making him a certified bi-con. There are other murmurs from the Haus of Hanson that Camilla is actually a collection of different chickens and poor Gonzo cannot tell the difference between them, but I refuse to believe it.ย
This is it for me, no more, no less.
๐ SWEETIE HATES ๐
Pram aggression
Riddle me this. You spend nine months percolating a bรฉbรฉ, likely one you desperately wanted. You give birth, aching and painful as an experience could be, you take the baby home. Nights of endless crying, shitting, pissing and panic abound. How could something be so small and so precious and so yours? The miracle of life is astounding.ย
Now, youโre going on a walk. Perhaps there is a crowd. Your sweet angel of a baby (how did you get so lucky?) is in a pram, strapped in, your nappy bag packed with all the supplies you may need. Perhaps the crowd is weighty, churning, people are in your way. Drats.ย
Wait a second. Youโre forgetting you have something special, a weapon, you have your precious baby, yes, but best of all, you have a pram.ย
All of a sudden youโre in control, you have the power, the pram is now a battering ram. You can push and shove your way through anything now. And you will! You are now going to use the buggy, baby be damned, to rudely and crudely work your way through any situation. Perfect.ย
What is it about parents and prams where etiquette goes out the window? They will use these things to poorly crowd control and smack into the backs of your ankles with not a care in the world. Why are they so ANGRY once they get behind the wheel?ย
Relax! Please stop using your babyโs carriage as a weapon of mass annoyance.ย Iโm scared.
The Diddy Laugh
This sound effect of children laughing has plagued me for years. Surely you know it, as it is in literally everything, and no, I am not exaggerating.ย
If you proclaim not to know the Diddy Laugh, Iโm sorry, but you are either going to be driven insane by it from this day forward, or, in your darkest hour, you were already consumed by the worldโs most grating sound effect. Sadly, the Diddy Laugh got to you a long time ago. You got Diddy-pilled. Now it is an intrinsic part of you, and that is why you have not yet noticed its overwhelming presence. But the buck stops here.ย
If you read this newsletter with regularity you know I have a thing for Vanity Fair, and guess what? Here they are again. I cannot stress enough that they do not pay me. But I really, really wish they would. Anyway, here is a rundown on the history of the Diddy Laugh, which I think is a gripping read. Then again, I also find great pleasure in watching birds from my window.ย
Once you take note of the Diddy Laugh you will notice that itโs absolutely everywhere, irritating and completely unavoidable โ like Kevin Hart between 2016-2018.
To me, The Diddy Laugh is like nails on a chalkboard. It is a sonic plague. It must be destroyed. To move forward as a culture we must end the reign of the Diddy Laugh. Child actors deserve better fake laughs, general viewers deserve better, I, specifically me the most of all, deserves better.ย
I cut my finger
In some personal news, I accidentally cut my finger on a knife and it hurts real bad. I was making a sandwich and when cutting the bread I didnโt move my pointer finger fast enough. Now my fingie hurts. I am facing severe trials and tribulations. Please pray for me.ย
Seeeee youuuuu laterrrrr xxxxxxx