Whatās up?Ā
Very hard to get myself organised for this week, if I may be so frank as to say. I even read ten pages of a BOOK to try and procrastinate writing. Thatās right, I am still reading The Will to Change by bell hooks after, oh, letās say, five months. I am up to chapter four š That means Iām good on reading for another month, I believe. But still, I persevered in tapping away, and now here you are, skimming over my words, wondering when I will get the point.Ā
Editorial note: I want to take back things Iāve said in the past about pain au chocolat. I like them now. I was not familiar with their game. I had a warm, fresh one for the first time this week, not hot, but perfectly warm, and I now have two more waiting for me in my pantry. I am capable of growing and changing, but only if itās about treats.Ā
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Weāre all dying btw
I did not handle the first pandemic lockdown particularlyā¦ well.
After working full-time hours, seven days a week, barely leaving my bedroom unless it was to pick up an UberEats McDonaldās order or another packet of Mint Slices, drinking half a bottle of wine every night and obsessively reading about how we may all potentially die, painfully and slowly, I came out the other end a little out of sorts, letās say.
I made my way back into the ~new normal~ with an unflattering bob haircut, an extra 10kgs on my frame, and an fixation with dying. I responded to this like any mentally well-adjusted person would ā I decided to get a tattoo that would remind me I was going to die one day, in the hopes I would start embracing the idea.Ā
I donāt think any of my tattoos are particularly shrewd, but this memento mori is my red-headed stepchild. Itās embarrassing. I wish Iād never gotten it, and I wish the tattoo artist who did it hadnāt sent me a Superlike on Tinder shortly after my appointment.Ā
This is all to say, I want to be more like Jeremy Renner. No, Iām not talking about his music. Or the horrible gun incident... I am talking about him being on board with the idea of perishing.Ā
Jeremy told James Corden ā nightmare blunt rotation ā that after his snowplow accident last year, he is fucking PUMPED to leave this mortal coil.Ā
āI was never afraid, mind you, of death prior. Now, I'm really not afraid of it. Now, I'm double downing. Now, I'm kind of excited for it."
He also called the feeling of dying āGlorious, by the way.ā
Thatās the spirit! I truly envy him for his attitude. Once again, for this, not the other stuff.
Speaking of, when Jeremy Renner does indeed die, what do you think heās more likely to haunt ā a Chevrolet dealership in Nevada or the podcast studio where they made The Renner Files?
Cherāing is caring
Cher simply MUST get in touch with professional sad sack Paul Giamatti. According to Paul, her people contact him on a regular basis to set up an urgent chat between the two, yet never respond when he takes them up on the offer. Itās a compelling mystery to be sure, one that perhaps can only be solved by Meghan King OāToole.Ā
I havenāt seen The Holdovers yet, but I did watch Sideways for the first time recently, and I have to say ā I kind of want to talk with Paul, too. His commitment to playing the purest of losers is miraculous. I think heās probably a cool person, but if someone said to me, āHey, I need you to cast the biggest fuckinā loserrrr virgin incel man in a movie right neowwwā, my mind would go straight to PG.Ā
I wouldnāt put it past Cher to commit psychological warfare against Americaās great character actors. Paul Giamatti gets a mysterious phone call, sure, but what is Willem Dafoe getting? Swatted, I can only assume. Steve Buscemi, bless him, lays awake every night hoping tomorrow wonāt be the day he gets a message telling him he urgently needs to buy his CEO gift cards. He doesnāt ā Cher strikes again. Cherās punishment of Walton Goggins is unspeakable, beyond the pale ā signing him up for JD Sportsā email blasts.
Drive away, betch
On the advice of TikToker @schizophrenicreads, I listened to podcast TrueAnonās 2021 three-episode investigation into the life and times of charlatan Elon Muskā The Lamest Show on Earth. If you have a spare six hours, I highly recommend it. It doesnāt matter how much youāre aware of his wheelings and dealings, youāll walk away knowing that your intuitive feelings about the man are justified.Ā
I never liked Elon, mostly because he reeks of stale 9gag memes and lies, but my distaste for him is now much better informed. Heās a pitiful man with a sad, empty spirit and a single-minded drive to be as malignant as humanly possible. I find myself almost impressed by his incompetence, by how he continues to fail upwards despite having one terrible idea after another, and really, by not much else at all.Ā
Links: Episode one. Episode two. Episode three.Ā
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ĆekĀ
No, I wouldnāt like it. I wouldnāt like it one bit. I think youāll find, in fact, it's making me sick to my stomach. Iām upset now, and the only thing that will make me feel better is shelving a sleeve of Mint Slices and receiving a direct deposit from the OP. PayPal is @sm11ms, btw.Ā
Interestingly, this is the most European that TimothĆ©e has ever looked. Just need a tight polo, zip knee skinny jeans and knock-off Air Forces Ones to make this look really sing. European TimothĆ©e absolutely has a tattoo of a clock and a rose intertwined, catcalls teenage girls, and never thinks about dying. Ever.Ā
Mutant wolves
Sorry for the Sky News link, but: Chernobyl's mutant wolves appear to have developed resistance to cancer, study finds.
Is this good news or bad news? I canāt really tell, but Iām erring on the side of caution, and am slapping the āHATESā button just to be on the safe side. Check in with me in a week, though. Might think differently then. If you even careā¦Ā
Leave Mitski alone
As a pre-TikTok Mitski fan, I worry itās too late for her to change the path she has stumbled onto. It is through no fault of her own, but her music and her performance persona is being rinsed by the most insufferable demographic on the internet right now ā people who think inserting chronically online phrasing into their everyday speech will give them a personality.Ā And this.
Itās staggering how a handful of users on a single app could take Mitskiās heartfelt music and memeify it until it turns into, well, thisā¦
Now, for further insult, an audience member besmirched Mitskiās recent Philadelphia show by interrupting a quiet moment to scream the internet parlance of the moment ā āMother is Mothering!!!ā
Thankfully, rightfully, they were booed. Hopefully, also beaten a little. Just kiddingā¦
We need to bring back booing. Too many people are getting away with being annoying!!! Boo, hiss, throw tomatoes ā I donāt care.Ā
I need to create a real life Sliding Doors, except instead of Gwyneth Paltrow wearing incredible outfits and being British, itās me begging Mitski not to open for Harry Stylesā on Love On Tour.
Aight. Bye.