Paparazzi BS, Love is Blind 5, Single Selena π
I'm that bitch... been that bitch, still that bitch.....
Hi you,
Hope ur well. This was suchhh a fun week. I had an iced Pumpkin Spiced Latte with whipped cream, got closer to configuring my perfect chia pudding recipe, slept well and dressed even better. Can you ask for anything more? Yes. But I wonβt.Β
Anywho. Letβs do the damn thing.Β
π« SWEETIE RATES π«
Love is Blind season 5
After only finishing the fourth season last week, pained the whole way through, fast-forwarding scenes and watching Zack, Kwame and Chelsea from behind my hands, I decided I would give Love is Blind a rare second chance. I am gobsmacked β shaken to my core to announce β this season is actuallyβ¦ Good? Like, I am looking forward to new episodes coming out? What da hell happened. Lawsuit be damned, these producers are cooking.Β
Hereβs my analysis of the LIBβers this season. Soft spoilers ahead for the first four episodes, so be warned.
Milton, honey, you are 24. Go outside and play ball. Throw some rocks in a quarry. Put on some anime and rip a bong. Pound tequila shots and wake up without a hangover. Sleep in until 2pm and then get a McDouble. Stay AWAY from women who murmur βI want youβ through a wall.Β
Lydia is reality TV gold, which is a marvel and cause for serious concern. She did not seem to come onto the show with the sturdiest of mental or emotional bearings, and she will leave worse off. She is going to be eaten alive on social media. I canβt stand her and I need more.Β
Aaliyahβ¦ Run. Stay running. Preferably straight onto a plush chaise longue in a therapist's office.Β
Uche. Get wrecked, dickhead.
Taylor. Boring. MAGA coded. Looks like the blonde character in The Princess and the Frog.Β
Jp. Looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid. Letβs look into where he was on January 6th, just out of curiosity.Β
Izzy seems nice? I both do and do not see how he was the most popular out of the guys. Canβt stop staring at his teeth.Β
Stacy. Got a strange vibe from her from the jump but Iβm open minded. I bet sheβd run a skincare MLM like the navy.Β
Johnie looks like a mix between Kristen Schaal and Emily Blunt. Canβt figure out who her voice kind of sounds likeβ¦ Blake Livelyβs? Therapy for her too.
Chris. He is really cute, Iβll give him that. Iβm not really sure what else to say about him, except, call me!
Vanessa and Nick Lacheyβ¦ I donβt know if they know what show theyβre actually on, or how theyβre coming across. They got the wrong briefs and they hit the wrong notes. Aside from the reunions, which they handle appallingly every time, they do not need to be here. Letβs get someone else in. My vote is Keke Palmer.Β
Stat Significant
Sometimes you donβt realise something is missing from your life until it falls in your lap. The perfect intersection of my interests, I loveeeeee Daniel Parrisβ Substack, Stat Significant.Β
Here, Parris publishes fascinating, research-based analysis on matters of pop culture β both historical and contemporary. Thoroughly researched, the publication is nonetheless accessible and good-humoured.Β
Iβm only a new subscriber, but I was immediately hooked after reading the latest drop, Are More Celebrities Dying? A Statistical Analysis. Now, if youβll excuse me, Iβm off to read The Fall and Rise of Nicolas Cage. A Statistical Analysis. I hope you join me.Β
Game Night
After seeing clip after clip of Game Night on Twitter over the last few months (canβt in good conscience use the platformβs ~other~ name) I decided, fine, ok, Iβll watch the stupid movie. I needed a fun, light, silly move to watch, and this was perfect. I was chortling! Everyone in it was fab. I know Jason Bateman is an asshole, but man is he funny. 4 stars.Β
π§π» SWEETIE HATES π§π»
Selena Gomezβs schtick
When youβre a woman who dates men, itβs easy to take a wrong turn and meander down one of two of lifeβs annoying paths.Β
The first of these directions will leave you with something called My Boyfriend Disease, where the woman starts every third sentence with βMy boyfriendβ¦β and dovetails into an inevitably boring story, anecdote or fact that has no bearing on the conversation and can only be responded to with a disinterested βNice πβΒ
The second direction is less defined, but for the purpose of today, letβs call it the Iβm Soo Single! Samantha Jones! All The Good Men Are Taken! All Of My Friends Are Married With Babies And I Sit Around In My Sweatpants All The Time Ha Ha Ha Syndrome.
To be fair to the women that fall into these unfortunate wells, both paths are a performance, a response to romantic relationships being a signifier of social status. And to be even fairer, in the spirit of transparency, I am sure that, at times, I have leaned into both.Β
Hopefully, with time, most women are able to recover and move on. Unfortunately, Selena Gomez is not one of these women. She is stuck in the thick of ISSSJATGMATAOMFAMWBAISAIMSATTHHS, and the prognosis is shaky. She even released a terrible single about being single. She just canβt stop capital βpβ Posting about being single.Β
After posting another (shoddily executed) lip syncing TikTok about not having a boyfriend, Selena is getting guff online for reheating her old schtick. Thereβs even a Billboard article about it, I'm sorry to say.Β Anything but that!!!
So I decided to go through Ms Gomezβs TikTok to find out how many videos she has made about being single during her tenure on the app. The final number? Nine. Now, out of 199 videos, thatβs not too bad. Iβd tell you what percentage of her videos about being single are, but I almost failed general mathsβ¦ Iβm not Stat Significant. Let me know in the comments below. Going off vibes Iβm going to guess itβs 7%
Pierce Brosnan endorses RFK Jr
This week saw Pierce Brosnan seemingly kind of endorsing Robert F. Kennedy Jr for President. Ew. Ew! Ew.Β
Here are a list of notable things RFK Jr has done/said/believed:
Vaccines cause autism (calling Jenny McCarthy!)
He compared President Biden's COVID-19 vaccination policies to the Holocaust and said that Anne Frank had more freedom than American citizens.
He founded the anti-vaccine disinformation organisation Children's Health Defense, which mostly just uses its funds to sue people⦠and lose.
Has hypothesised that antidepressants and psychiatric drugs cause school shootings.
Wrote that HIV does not cause AIDS, instead the disease is caused by a "gay lifestyle" and the use of poppers and injectable drugs.
He has been endorsed by Steve Bannon, Alex Jones and Roger Stone β nightmare blunt rotation.Β
Most importantly? His son is Conor Kennedy. Yes, the Conor Kennedy who dated Taylor Swift when he was 18 and in high school, and she was 22. That has nothing to do with his policies, I just think itβs weird.
FU, Pierce. Your singing was terrible in Mamma Mia! There! I said it!Β
Who is meant to be the sexiest Bond now? Daniel Craig? Mmm. No. Iβll keep thinking.Β
Jennifer Garner doingβ¦ thingsβ¦
Sometimes life is amazing, so full of coincidences and kismet. How a paparazzi could get such a crisp, close shot of Jennifer Garner helping a down-on-his-luck man in a wheelchair, giving him the socks off her own feet is beyond me. She even tried to give him her shoes. And then the papβs shoes! What a shot!Β
My theory? The pap must have been driving around, minding their business probably, camera on their passenger seat for some reason, when suddenly, clear as day, they look up and see the most normal, candid scenario ever β a Hollywood actress perhaps in need of some good press, being a model citizen. They snapped a few photos, of course, to celebrate such a wonderful fluke.Β
Iβm going to say a sentence that has never been uttered before β Jennifer Garner is in her Mr Beast era. I donβt mean to sound like a Real Housewife, but be real! Youβre not being real right now.Β
Who knows. Maybe it was fate. Just like when somebody tipped off the paparazzi that Jen was taking her ex husband, Ben Affleck, to rehab. At the very least, she still seems like one of the more genuine celebrities. And she was great in Juno! So was Jason Bateman! Soβ¦ Yeahβ¦ Stream The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We.Β
Cheers!