Pee, Robbie Williams, Waxing Lyrical ✨
I don't wanna rock DJ... but you're making me feel so nice!
Hello!
People ask me almost constantly why I moved to England, and apart from saying, “I don’t know” or “I fear dying from skin cancer,” I never really have a good reason. But here, look!
With this week came a new government, England made it into the Euro semis, it might be sunny one day next week. Things could be worse. And they will be, again. But just for a few days, it’s nice to pretend as though things might really get better. Let’s try and keep this energy for at least 48 more hours. And read the newsletter in the meantime…
🌹 SWEETIE RATES 🌹
He’s an icon, he’s a legend and he is the moment
Because I’m a lucky girl, I was handed a last minute ticket to see Robbie Williams on Saturday night by my flatmate Ruby. While I was eager, excited even, the gravity of the situation did not hit me until we were standing in the festival grounds, three or four beers deep, a Gen X woman peeing on the ground a couple of metres away from us, our Gold Circle wristbands firmly in place.
You see, I grew up in a Robbie Williams family — even Rudebox went certified triple platinum in my household — and so while I knew I would enjoy myself, I didn’t think the experience would be quite so transcendental.
After the first couple of songs, Ruby turned to me with a grave seriousness, leaned in close, and said in a very Mr-Gorbachev-tear-down-this-wall voice, “Robbie Williams is a showman.”
Yes. Yes he is. Robbie Williams, no word of a lie, is a force to be reckoned with. He was funny! He was charming! He was self-effacing! I laughed. I cried. I danced. I screamed. I almost trod in someone’s vomit. Some people were destined for certain paths — I was made to create an unsuccessful Substack. Robbie Williams was made to be a star.
Sure, I’ve made fun of him before for being in that dumb cat food ad and said he is morphing into the spitting image of Morrissey. But I never doubted his ability to entertain me, you, and everyone you care about.
Even aside from megahits Angels and Let Me Entertain You, let’s look at the credentials: Millennium. She’s The One. Supreme. Kids. Rock DJ. Feel. Something Stupid. The man is an international treasure. What a gift!
Bad things happening to Brad people
Brad Pitt…. More like Brad Piss, am I right?
This is so A Star is Born-coded. Tell me something boy…. Aren’t you tired tryna find that toi(let)?
Intruder alert
I haven’t been sleeping well lately, with an ongoing eye twitch to prove it, and at 5am the other morning, I was still slipping in and out of consciousness. Then, I felt a small weight ease onto the end of my bed. It was a familiar feeling to anyone who grew up with pets. Stirring, I thought, “Ah, the cat is coming to cuddle me in the bed. That’s nic- Wait... I don’t have a cat.”
I shot around to find my neighbour's cat tentatively stepping onto my duvet after squeezing its fat effing body through the 10cm gap in my window. My knee jerk reaction sent the cat scrambling, panicking and thrashing about as it pushed its thicc booty back through the window. I apologised profusely. I begged for his return. He wouldn’t come back in. Though, I think he has forgiven me, because he came back to my window yesterday to scratch me. How sad I was to lose him, but how happy I was that he chose MY bed to creep onto.
🕸️ SWEETIE HATES 🕸️
Sinking ship
The Disgusting Brothers Colin Jost and Pete Davidson’s $280k USD ferry-cum-nightclub experiment is not going very well. Please take this moment to name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. It’s going to be alright.
"What began as a promising venture has devolved into bitter disappointment, serving as a stark reminder of the perils of mixing business with friendship," a pal told the National Enquirer. "While Colin is scrambling to assemble a competent team, Pete seems to have gone AWOL. It remains to be seen whether their friendship can weather the storm."
Pete Davidson turning his back on responsibility? My stars! It can’t be!
The project’s architect, Ron Castellano, says the decommissioned Staten Island ferry will be converted into a floating hotel with 24 rooms, two restaurants, and six bars. I think this is what us in the business (know-it-all earth signs) call a “cruise ship.” It will be towed between Miami and New York, and approximately five people per trip will be stricken with diarrhoea, and that’s a promise.
Will Colin and Pete’s relationship survive their stupid business decision? I just don’t know. And I don’t really care. What I really want to focus on here is that it wasn’t until putting this section together that I realised that Colin Jost looks almost identical to my first boyfriend, which explains my uneasy and unresolved feelings towards him. This is what us in the business (therapy via TikTok videos) call a BREAKTHROUGH.
Grévin hell
The Grévin Museum in Paris has done it again. First, The Rock. Now? It’s Beyonce’s turn to be violated.
So close! This is not Beyonce. This is the product of a FaceTune mashup of Bebe Rexha and Latto.
Light the wick and start again, please.
TW: Fr*nce
Bad news for lovergirls and loverboys everywhere: French cyclist Julien Bernard was fined 200 Swiss francs by the International Cycling Union (UCI) for stopping during stage seven of the Tour De France to lay a smooch on his old lady. The governing body said the fine was for "unseemly or inappropriate behaviour during the race and damage to the image of the sport". What’s the charge? Kissing my wife? Kissing my beautiful French wife?
I never believed Wife Guys when they said they were persecuted by society until now. I think the Union members are just mad that their partners wouldn’t pay 200 Swiss francs to kiss them. Maybe those insipid people on the internet are right — if he wanted to, he would ladies!!!
CIAO CIAO CIAO