How are we all doing? It’s a weird time of year so I hope everyone is being kind to themselves!!! I’m being powered by goats cheese with hot honey and a thermal rn, and I am trying to get this damn thing OUT. So, let’s not tarry, betch.
🫣 SWEETIE RATES 🫣
RHOLSC
Sometimes a television show can create a moment so spellbinding, so iconic, that it becomes part of history — think the screen fading to black in The Sopranos, Robert Durst’s hot mic moment in The Jinx, Marissa dying on The OC…
Well, it’s time to welcome a new iconic television moment to the fold — the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City season 4 finale. WOW. I haven’t been this genuinely gripped by an episode of TV in a long time, scripted or unscripted, and it was an exhilarating experience.
But I shouldn’t have been surprised. I’ve been eagerly watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City since its premiere in 2020, and have sadly found it to be a hard sell when recommending it to others. I have no idea why, so here, now, I am trying once more.
The genius of the show comes down to its impeccable casting. The show’s slate of housewives features Mary, an alleged cult leader with an unsettling aura who is married to her former step-grandfather. There’s Jen, a swindling, thieving pyramid scheme leader who eventually goes to prison after being arrested by Home Security officers ON CAMERA. There’s Whitney, a former Mormon turned alleged swinger who is going on the world’s longest “hilling journey.” There’s Lisa, a converted Mormon who owns a tequila company, lives off Kit Kats and Diet Coke and is the sole reason I say “I love that” as a verbal tic. There’s Heather, who is always on the wrong side of history and is adored by thee Rihanna. There’s Meredith, who is a chic, slurring, transatlantic-accented wonder in a never ending series of blazers. These are MY little women.
And that’s just the beginning. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll cry laughing. You’ll wonder when Walton Goggins is going to play Seth Marks in a film. You’ll thank me, on your hands and knees, wondering how you lived without such entertainment. I will nod solemnly, no need to thank me. Thank Andy Cohen.
Go horses!
Happy birthday to all thoroughbred horses, who are canonically born on January 1, and are therefore Capricorns just like ME!
We should have known. Their commitment to excellence, tendency to push themselves over the limit, dicey temper and chronic knee problems positively *scream* “Capricorn!”
Every time the topic of horses comes up I am legally obligated to say that I love them even though I was kicked smack bang in the forehead by one when I was a child. It was my fault, and the ensuing brain damage is what makes this newsletter so dynamic!
Anyway.
AJ McLean
Backstreet Boy-er AJ McLean has sadly announced his pending divorce from wife Rochelle McLean on Instagram.
Sad for the family, but it’s a little content treat for the little people. What really interests me here is how clear it is that this announcement post was strategised and created by an in-house team (himself). There are grammatical errors — he did not even capitalise their last name correctly — wandering sentences, and, crucially, a crushingly simplistic caption “😭”. Should we give him a guest spot for SWEETIE?
It’s a refreshing use of the crying emoji, and propels it into a new stratosphere of seriousness. How many other emojis did he hover over before going with a simple classic? I like to think this one 🥴 was in the mix for at least a little bit.
I think celebrities should announce everything important with emojis. I have created some templates I think PR firms could get a great deal of use from. For free!
I’m sorry for offending the ___ community by posting myself wearing ___ 🥺 I have listened and learned 😜 So you can’t be mad at me anymore 😠
I’m pleased to announce that I am starring as ___ in the third remake of ___, which will be gender-swapped to farm outrage 🤭
Please welcome baby ___ earth side ___! We opted for a surrogate 🤰, but only for vanity reasons 💋
Ah well. Stream Incomplete by The Backstreet Boys.
❌ SWEETIE HATES ❌
Wedding freaks
We have gone too far with the charade of Western wedding culture, I fear, and we have let engaged and married people get away with too much. Thursday weddings, event after event after event for the same couple, money and gifts expected, destination nuptials, having to see the same pictures from the wedding day posted on social media for loved ones’ birthdays, anniversaries and #throwbacks until we’ve seen every.single.picture… It’s undignified at this point. Do you want me to be a guest, or do you want me to be a paypig moonlighting as an audience member???
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way… Look at this literally bonkers series of events that took place at a cafe in Indianapolis this past week.
Pt 1:
Pt 2:
Fascination piqued ✅ Blood boiling ✅ Forehead vein throbbing ✅ These people should be tried at the ICC.
If we were less forgiving of people who decide to get married and then behave atrociously and/or annoyingly, things like this might not happen. That’s right — It’s time to start getting violent.
Shia-way from blame
Much like Mark Wahlberg before him, actor Shia LeBeouf is traversing the accused-demon-to-devout-Catholic pipeline. Historically, of course, this is a back to front journey, and a PR move that the church simply does not need on their plate.
On New Year’s Eve, LeBeouf received a sacrament of confirmation by a chapter of the Capuchin Franciscans and he has expressed interest in becoming a freakin’ Deacon.
A confirmation? What about some confirmation that you’re not still a fucking asshole? A Deacon? More like… what a Deac-head…. No, wait, try this one: I wish he’d Deac-off??? Idk guysssss. I guess what I’m trying to say is #StayPrayedUp.
Mean Girls (2024)
I have nothing constructive or productive to say. I just think this looks really, really bad. Abysmal even. I will see it at the cinema and probably give it 2 stars on Letterboxd and then never watch it or think about it again.
Adios