Hi everyoneeeee,
How was everyoneโs weekend? Are you good? Are you happy? Great.ย
I had a noice week. I recovered from my illness (thanks for asking) and now I am blonde. But thereโs simply no time for that. Letโs get into the weekly.ย
๐ SWEETIE RATES ๐
The London Zoo weigh in
Life is hard and the news is full to the brim with tales of woe โ climate change-related disasters, ongoing cruelty to asylum seekers, new music by Iggy Azalea โ itโs too much to handle. Luckily, my shiny friend and housemate, Ruby, informed me this week that the London Zoo does an annual animal weigh-in. Not only that, itโs filmed by the BBC :) And you can watch all two hours, 17 minutes and 51 seconds of it :)
I do have some concessions. The whole thing is VERY penguin heavy, the host's nervous energy kind of made ME nervous, and to be honest, I think you can skip the insect weighing. My harsh criticisms aside, itโs the kind of content that leaves your brain feeling power-washed.ย ย
Donโt have a VPN to watch it? Get one. Thatโs a threat.ย
Literally a tomato salad
Some weeks I come out with the big guns, chuckles and zingers and raving lunacy, and some weeks I come to you with a SWEETIE Weekly that contains content about a tomato salad. I never said writing a weekly newsletter was easy.ย
After growing up despising fresh tomatoes, only really abiding by the fruit in Heinz sauce form and on pizza bases, I have slowly begun to let this little red bitch into my life. While I still strongly feel that tomato does not belong on a burger, I DO now believe tomato belongs in my heart.ย
Throughout this summer I have become obsessed with eating fresh tomatoes in one very specific way. I even have physical cravings for it. All it is, really, is tomato in an extremely simple dressing. Itโs literally embarrassing how easy it is to make.ย
You need a really, really good tomato. Iโm not fucking around here. You need to find a ripe, organic-y tomato that is at least 30% more expensive than the other tomatoes in the shop. Slice it up real thin. This is key. Then mix together a nice olive oil, some white wine vinegar and balsamic vinegar, microplane in half a clove or so of fresh garlic, throw in some fresh basil or even just the Italian herbs dried crap from the supermarket, I donโt really care, then dust with shichimi togarashi and salt. Done. Heaven. Youโre welcome.ย
I eat this as-is as a snack, but itโs also divine on a cracker with a smear of goat's cheese and maybe a drizzle of honey. There you go. Bon appetit.ย
American Wedding by Frank Ocean
I donโt know what it isโฆ I just canโt help but fall backwards in time. Call it regression or call it old age, but I am stuck in 2011. Symptoms of being stuck in 2011 include: a perennial appreciation of peplum tops, quoting Bridesmaids and geeking out on Frank Ocean.ย
I have a sickness where I have to listen to this song every day. American Wedding, from Frank Oceanโs 2011 mixtape, Nostalgia, Ultra, rules my life. I am addicted to it, Frank-ly.ย
It couldnโt ever be released properly, because of factors male, stale and pale, so you cannot find the track on Spotify, Apple music or even, *gulp* Tidal. Hotel California WHO?ย
๐คจ SWEETIE HATES ๐คจ
Michael Aldagโs (?) song, Girlfriend
I donโt mean to be rude (?) but this is one of the worst songs Iโve ever heard in my life โ and Iโve heard the music of Greta Van Fleet.ย
This is eye-wateringly bad. The warbling bananies and avocadies-esque voice stretching like saltwater taffy, the lyrics that are so-of-the-minute theyโre already irrelevant, and the lack of individual perspective all culminate to make a sonic trash heap.
There is no artistry to speak of here, the song is a Build-a-Bear of cheap tricks. But who do we blame? Bastille? Gayle? Jack Antonoff? Surely him. Itโs always Jack Antonoffโs fault.ย
Rude monkey
Thereโs this monkey that I see getting reposted all the time lately. Nothing makes me angrier. Look at him!
Now, a lot of people look at this monkey with awe, guffawing at his boorish attitude. Not me. Everyone thinks heโs funny. Me? I just think heโs a joke. He is ungrateful and rude. Makes me sick to my stomach.ย
Ultra processed foodโฆ bad for you?
I know that it sounds so awfully pick-me, but I love fast food. I really do. Growing up, the hairs on my arms would immediately stick up whenever I found out my parents were pulling into McDonaldโs on a road trip. I remember finding out that one of my cousins didnโt like soft drinks, and I was utterly floored, โAre you sure?โ I asked her. A boss once told me that it never occurred to her to reach for fast food, she really just preferred to eat salads instead. I was incredulous. I assumed she was lying, trying to save faceโฆ (Maybe if it had been a tomato salad we could talkโฆ but even then).
I love carcinogenic crap, utter garbage, and I love to shovel into my body and then wonder why I feel weird. I figure that because I eat a balanced diet most of the time, my processed food indiscretions donโt matter. As it turns out, thatโs wrong.
Recent research presented at an annual meeting of the European Society of Cardiology says โToo bad, dickhead, you canโt outrun your guilty pleasures.โ Like, literally do not run. Youโll have a heart attack. Or something. Iโve already started pretending I never read the article to begin with.ย
Plus, whatโs โresearchโ anyway? Just a bunch of ideas written down. Anyone can do that on substack.com!
Ciao ciao!!!