Hallooooo!
I spent the week in Iceland, celebrating my birthday by exploring Djupalonssandur Beach and being rained on. Luckily, I left the day before the volcanic eruption in Grindavík, and I am happy to echo what literally everybody who has ever been to Iceland says… It’s amazing. Didn’t catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights, but I DID catch a glimpse of many delicious meals, sights, sounds and vibes. It is magic. It is expensive. Iceland gets a 10/10.
I have been speaking in a terrible Icelandic accent to myself, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. But we don’t have time for me quietly repeating “Keflavík airport” to myself in a voice eerily like the Swedish Chef’s. I haven't written a word in six days, surely a recent record, and it’s time to shake the dust off.
Here’s the weekly.
🙏 SWEETIE RATES 🙏
Life HACK
At the beginning of each year, The Guardian handily comes out with 100 crowdsourced tips to improve your life. Some of this year’s tips are amazing and helpful, like the one-minute rule, and some are wack and obvious, like listening to music at the gym. Who doesn’t listen to music at the gym?
Actually, you should know about this yearly feature already, because I wrote about it last year, and my words are memorable and eternal. A tip I have adopted from last year’s list is assigning an album to accompany me on trips — where it then becomes the official soundtrack to the adventure. I have done this a couple of times, and did so again for my most recent trip. And it rocked!!!
This tip has transformed the sensory experience of travelling for me. It’s fun to pick the album too, I do so in anticipation of what I believe the ~vibe~ of the place to be. For Iceland I chose Beach House’s Depression Cherry, ethereal, spacey and a little sad, and it was the perfect fit. When I heard Victoria Legrand crooning I know it comes too soon, the universe is riding off with you via Spotify shuffle in Sainsburys today I had flashbacks of zooming through extraterrestrial scenery, nature’s splendour and a song I love now inextricably linked. Idk, try it.
Audio faux pas
Oopsie doops! Someone who works for the Emmys recorded a lil social media video in which they panned over the seating arrangement. That’s nice and all, I love to see where people sit and things of that nature, but they forgot to mute the story. By leaving the crisp audio on when uploading, you can hear someone saying “She’s a terrible actress, she’s so monotone.”
Brava. Inject this into my veinsssss. I love professional hating, like when you go to a cafe or a store and hear two workers bitching about a colleague. It’s like microdosing gossip, but with no skin in the game.
I think we all know who this person is talking about… Carol Burnett. Just kidding, it’s Selena Gomez. Only Mumbles in the Building, more like.
Hot dogs
I had a hot dog at 10am in the airport that was so delicious I’m still thinking about it. Hot dogs are a carcinogen, sure, but they’re a cancerous freak of nature that we should be celebrating and uplifting.
Hot dogs are it. They have a je ne sais quoi. Many people aren’t brave enough to say it, but I am 🌭. Also a great Comedy Bang! Bang! character FYI.
🤫 SWEETIE HATES 🤫
Machine Guitar Kelly
MGK has released a new guitar partnership with Schecter. The finished product is just about what you’d expect.
Yepppp, it’s a GUITAR but it’s shaped like a RAZOR BLADE. Ahhh my teeth are chattering from here! This is spooky and awesomesauce at the same time! Unfortunately, nobody else was really into it — causing MGK to take to social media with a statement.
This manipulative word salad attempts to both deflect criticism and turn everyone else into the bad guy for not rocking with his artistry. Art is conversational, but only if that conversation is based on what a sick dude MGK is, otherwise it makes him sad. You see, nobody understands his art. The art, timeless and gorgeous, is a musical instrument made to resemble a widely-recognised tool for self harm. How dare we not appreciate his artistic expression?
Listen to me: MGK is all shit, no toilet. He was made in a lab to be the corniest man alive. Everything ‘edgy’ he concocts is something only 14 year old boys would think is freakin’ epic. He has the artistic perspective of a plastic bag and the overall delivery of a scene kid’s away message on MSN (~DiNoSaUr sez RaWr 🤘🏻🤪🧷).
I find it funny when people pontificate as to how MGK pulled esteemed poet Megan Fox. Really, the answer is simple — some women just like fucking losers. The earlier you accept that, the less frustrating your adult life will be, and that’s yet another top tip from the big dog.
No, but…
Yeah yeah yeah, we all know the song yes, and? by Ariana Grande is a letdown. For her first single in four years, the crowd goes mild!
Despite being a Max Martin joint it’s a sloppy and flat interpretation of house music. The lyrics, which Ariana Grande wrote alone (we can tell) suck — I do usually find her lyrics fun and funny, but she has an obsession with the concept of “dick riding” that I think a therapist could really help with. The song alludes to the alleged infidelity her and Ethan Slater indulged in, and she addresses these accusations with two middle fingers UP. Fuck that baby!
But we already know all that. My real quibble here is the spoken word section. Her voice here, quiet and oddly British, feels jarring. It’s as though she’s been bodysnatched by a sexy alien. It rings in my ear like a Yeerk from Animorphs. It’s deeply off putting. Next!
Ryan Gosling loves his damn wife
Stop the presses!!! Ryan Gosling loves his wife!!!!
Oooooh wow you love your wife. Alright. I didn’t ask? Oooooh you and your perfect dream girl wife and your perfect children, living in Canada, without ME. It’s like you didn’t think about me, Ryan — someone who developed such a crush on you from Lars and the Real Girl that she convinced her mum to buy the DVD from Target Country Inverell — when you made this stupid speech. I guess we’re nothing. Maybe we never were. I’m sick to my stomach.
Hey, have you ever noticed hot guys never get called wife guys? The label seems to be like rubber and glue for the likes of handsome men like Ryan Gosling. Wife guy is an insult hurled to regular, perhaps even schlubby men. Thinking about putting together quite the ethnography on this…
Bless…