Hey playas,
Merry Christmas, if thatβs your thing! I hope you love it. I hope you got all the presents you wished for and zero indigestion and no family fights. I am going to drink wine with my friend Maria and watch movies and eat so much decadent food that I verge on gout territory.Β
Still, despite the yuletide, it wouldnβt be a new week without the SWEETIE Weekly, so hereβs a barely-festive edition. I hope you enjoy it.Β
π SWEETIE RATES π
New Yearβs resolutions
Iβm into this vibe, it feels so wonderfully 90βs in nature. I am going to make a New Yearβs resolutionβ¦ No, two! Three! I can make as many as I want, and so can you. Literally why not?Β
People donβt like the resolution thing, I know. But where people get tripped up, I think, is trying to pick resolutions that are based around their health or improving their life β losing weight, quitting smoking, hitting the gym, what have you. Ehh, wrong! Why not make a resolution to smoke MORE? GAIN weight. LOSE muscle strength. Be more realistic. Be more chaotic.Β
If you have a problem with lying, instead of resolving to stop lying, just resolve to tell different KINDS of lies. Instead of lying about other people you know to make yourself feel better, make up some people and lie about them instead. Could be a distant cousin, a fake neighbour, a long-lost friend from primary school, doesnβt matter! Youβll get in less trouble and you still get to remain psychologically un-interrogated.Β
I think much like birthday wishes, none of which have ever come true for me now that I mention it, we should keep our resolutions a secret, too. You might see me in a monthβs time and think βWhy is she wearing a fedora and cheating on Jessica Biel?β Little do you know, however, that perhaps one of my resolutions was to morph into Justin Timberlake.Β
Another Vanity Fair long read
Yes, yet another VF long read. My love language is sending people articles. I honestly feel like VF should give me kickbacks at this juncture, but I do it for the love of it. Also itβs Christmas and I donβt want to work very hard, to be honest. I digress.Β Β
The glitz, the glamour, the dirt, the salacious scandals, thatβs what I go to Vanity Fair for, and this long read on Steven Seagal from 2002 did not disappoint for a single second. SEAGAL UNDER SIEGE was genuinely one of the most joyfully bizarre things I read this year, hopelessly unable to tear my attention away.Β
I knew Seagal got into some weird shit, but this is BEYOND. From his elaborate lies about the CIA and martial arts, to the revelation that he may actually have a rare antiquarian expertise in regards to samurai swords (???) and the alleged plot against his life, I was truly agog. Gagged, even.
When women in Hollywood feud, itβs like Joan Crawford and Bette Davis sniping at each other in the press. When men in Hollywood feud, they sic the mob on each other. Fascinating.Β
The piece also features a stunning cameo from a name I was thrilled to recognise β Danny βA punk is a punk and a punk and it looks like the Manzos are punksβ Provenzano of Real Housewives of New Jersey infamy.Β
A rollicking read, ideally enjoyed curled up, after two glasses of wine and a huge plate of leftovers.Β
Also, as per Google:
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What I Eat in a Day videos
I love hearing about what people eat. Donβt care about what youβre picky about, I want to hear what youβre regularly buying from the supermarket, what your death row meal is, what dinners you whip up when youβre alone.Β
Harperβs Bazaarβs Food Diaries I particularly like, because theyβre short, though they often veer into problematic territory, *cough* Kelly Ripaβs now-deleted edition *cough*, but even that I appreciate. At least hers is honest. Unlike Nicola Peltz-Beckhamβs, because Iβm sorry, I donβt think anyone in the public eye eats like that. Still loved her in Bates Motel.Β
Honestly, who doesnβt want to listen to Catherine Zeta-Jones wax lyrical about blue cheese? Who doesnβt want to fantasise about living on Martha Stewartβs Sicilian donkey-riddled farm and enjoying her roast chicken with black truffles? An idiot, thatβs who.Β
Theyβre best watched when you want mindless entertainment, when you need snack ideas, for rich person escapism, and when you want to think about food without considering the effort of making it.Β
π€¬ SWEETIE HATES π€¬
The IKEA effect
As much as people love to bring it up in advertising strategy sessions, I donβt think the IKEA effect is real. If I am wrong, that means that people are cuckolds for shoddily-assembled furniture and they need to be shaken to their senses. I do not, ever, want to build anything that I need to function in my day-to-day life. Thatβs not what I was put on earth for! Nobody needs me doing that.Β
I broke my 30-year streak of having not purchased anything from Amazon to buy a sweet little wooden desk organiser. Mistake. I didnβt scroll to the part where it says I have to put it together, and with just six steps, I have already had two meltdowns and a pile of wooden pieces discarded on the dining room table.Β
I cannot make heads or tails of what is ostensibly a very simple task, and nor do I want to. I think weβre being tricked by Big Furniture, who realised how cute and fun it would be on their bottom line to have people build things themselves. No liability, no additional labour costs. Iβm onto you!!!
Little Women
I was struggling to finish Greta Gerwigβs 2019 interpretation of Little Women recently when I had an epiphanyβ¦ I donβtβ¦ like Little Women. No, I donβt mean the TV show, and I donβt even specifically mean Gerwigβs film, it was fine, I mean I donβt care for the story itself. Little Women, from top to bottom, is not an enjoyable or enriching piece of media for me personally.Β
We had a copy of Little Women in the house growing up, and I canβt even count how many times I cracked that book and tried to finish it. I think I may have barely succeeded in reading the whole thing once. We also had a VHS of the 1994 film taped from TV, in which Kirsten Dunst was very good at being annoying, but in which the story dragged.Β
The story is simple in its make up, you have four irritating ass sisters, Jo (closeted femcel), Meg (boring), Beth (flop sister) and Amy (evil) and they just kind of have a terrible time. Their dad went to war seemingly unnecessarily and then he came back for a bit. Ok. Cool. What else is there? Some struggling and some death and some marriage. Sick. Not for me.Β
Iβm only into Big Women.Β
Santa
He sees me when Iβm sleeping AND he knows when Iβm awake?? Umm thatβs fucking scary and intrusive? I did not consent to that kind of eerie surveillance. Heβs going to give me coal if Iβm naughty? Santa, thatβs not a source of renewable energy you sick fuck. He keeps a cabal of elves to build toys all year round in his workshop? Thatβs domestic servitude??? Timeβs up, Santa!Β
Happy holladays, lots of love n kisses xxxxxxx