I hope this newsletter finds you well.
I have made it across the world to sunny Sydney, feeling many Big Feelings, but here to make the best of it nonetheless.ย
Fresh from my 27-hour journey, I headed straight to a henโs party this weekend where I drank for the first time in six weeks. By the time I went to bed at 2am, I had been up for two days straight, save a couple of hour-long naps. I started seeing things out of the corner of my eyes, apparitions and crawling black shadows. I started getting heart palpitations and dizziness. I became very, very concerned about the technical mechanics of our karaoke machine.ย
I can admit it. I am jetlagged โ puffy, wavy and slightly off-kilter. Thatโs why, more so than ever, this weekโs newsletter might not make any sense at all. There could be typos, there could be threadless ramblings, there could be unbridled genius. We just donโt know. I guess weโll find out together ๐
๐น SWEETIE RATES ๐น
Mound
Serving cunt is out. Serving mons pubis is IN. 2024 is going to be all about the mound. I can just picture it now. Itโs giving mound. Big mound energy. Mound town. Mound zero. Mound 2. Down to mound. Lost and mound. And thatโs on mound!
Australian plugs
I do not get homesick very often โ except when I want to be able to buy garlic dip with ease โ but I do miss one thing about Australia. Our plug designs. Check this out.ย
Now youโre speaking my language. Wow. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful in your life? Clean, chic, sleek, supreme. The best plug style by far, no other plug compares. No fuss, no muss. Iโve been finding real pleasure in plugging things in for the last day or so, and I mean that with my whole mound.
Tell Me How You Feel by Joy Enriquez
I. Canโt. Stop. Listening. To. This. Song. I mean it, I medically canโt stop. Itโs killing me. Itโs just TOO good. It loops in my head over and over. It was ahead of its time. Sure, it was kind of a flop, but truly, if Ariana Grande released this song now itโd go ballistic. Thatโs just my opinion! And itโs right!!!ย
๐ฅ SWEETIE HATES ๐ฅ
Interstellar
Desperate for a distraction on my first flight from London, I found myself watching the 2014 shitshow Interstellar. With few other options and lots of time on my hands, I said โLetโs go Nolan!โย
So I watched it. And hereโs my review: Christopher Nolan, have you lost your dick suckinโ ass mind? What the hell was that? I canโt believe this is sweet Addison Raeโs favourite movie.ย
The film questions what humans will do in order to survive. I began to question whether or not humans actually deserve to live. If the future generation is this whiny and asinine, perhaps we deserve to be wiped out by dust and bad corn (?)
Apart from being boring, making zero sense, and Matthew McConaugheyโs jaundiced tan scaring me, I tire of Nolan physics, which usually means anything is universally possible as long as some men and exactly one woman talk about it for long enough and vaguely gesture to some numbers. There is no limit to his loopholes, no issue of science that canโt be solved without an equation plucked from thin air.
Not for nothing, a quarter of the way through this movie, I started wondering when the aliens were going to pop up. It was at this moment I realised that I had pressed play on Interstellar thinking it was actually the film Arrival. Oops. I carried on though, knowing that my only other realistic option for a film was the seminal classic Mr Beanโs Holiday. If only Iโd retreated to the comforting bosom of Rowan Atkinson.ย
I tell you one thing I really, really, really liked, though. That tan Carhartt WIP jacket was tailored to perfection. The wardrobe department really put their whole mound into that one.ย
Denise the menaceย
Denise Richards isโฆ.. posting.
Hey, I know who you should collab with, Denise โ Jesus Frigginโ Christ!!!ย
Look, I consider myself to be a sex-positive person (Iโm positive that other people are having it!) but this is a bridge too far. Hinting at incest to sell dead-eyed photos of you and your 19-year old daughter? Thatโs rough stuff.ย
Hopefully the justified pushback on this one causes Denise to reflect/grow/chill out. At least she has a husband who is as utterly mindless as a goat eating a tin can a medical genius to talk some sense into her.ย
Shit knits
I find myself desperately searching for a new everyday knit as soon as the leave start to turn. Each year, like clockwork, I hunt for the perfect jumper. Each year, like clockwork, I fail at this task.ย
Let me be clear (Obama), the design I want for my perfect jumper is simple. I want 100% wool, I want it to be black, I want it to be a crew neck, and I want it to have plain sleeves. No lettuce edge trims, or bell sleeves or stitched cuffs, no v-necks, no turtlenecks, no synthetics. And the kicker? I also donโt want to spend a kajillion dollary-doos.
Itโs maddening how, despite the simplicity of the design I want, I canโt find anything that has really fit the bill. I thought I found a great staple from Uniqlo. At ยฃ29.99, itโs 100% wool, has a crew neck, with no flair or trimmings, and is warm. The second time I wore it, I caught a glimpse of my forearm and noticed that the sleeve had a feature I hadnโt actually anticipated โ a hole. Fabulous.ย
Since I am yet again struggling in my search, but still bravely soldering on, this article from The Atlantic couldnโt have come at a better time. Now I realise why I canโt find what the perfect jumper โ it doesnโt exist.ย
Kthxbyeeeee