Hey team,
Between Kelis and Bill Murray dating, Livvy rizzing up Baby Gronk, that photo of the boxes of documents in Trump’s gaudy bathroom and Britney Spears being accused of being on meth (TW: Daily Mail) I have begun to wonder if perhaps I slipped into a coma last year and have been hallucinating a world that doesn’t quite make sense.
Everything is just too weird. When this oracle tweeted her now famous proclamation, I don’t think she was talking about the pandemic.
Oh well. This post might cut off in yer email BTW, so you know, open it in a browser if you wanna.
🥳️ SWEETIE RATES 🥳️
Being asked “are you stupid?” by a British person
All I need in this life of sin is a British person saying “Are you schewpid?”
I am! Thank you for asking. Now, say it again.
Taking magnesium
Nothing screams “I’m in my 30’s!” like using a weekly newsletter column to preach the virtue of vitamins. But, truly, magnesium is that girl. Take two of these and call me in the morning.
I don’t exactly know what magnesium does, but I do know that it’s boosting my energy to the high heavens and I don’t wake up feeling enraged by the morning anymore. Skin = cleared. Mood = improved. Child support = paid.
Just a bunch of medical essays
If you need me, I’ll be curled up by a window with a peppermint tea reading the contents of Longreads’s Medical Mysteries Reading List.
With five essays/explorations on an early case of HIV, a strange psychogenic illness in cheerleaders, sperm donor fertility fraud, a boy who is convinced he is the devil and why it seems like everyone has IBS, this one is for the medicine heads.
🙄 SWEETIE HATES 🙄
This font
The definition of 2014. This font is the typographic equivalent of that famous auburn Scottish Highland cow print. It’s the IKEA-white-KALLAX of graphic design. This font was inescapable mere years ago, seen on packaging for diet ice cream, Byron Bay-based skincare brands, slogan t-shirts from Kmart and Cosmopolitan fashion editorials where the model wore a peplum top and a statement necklace with an owl on it.
This font screams the word “Adulting.” It is reminiscent of this hat. It is a typeface terrorist.
Now, Director Yorgos Lanthimos has unleashed the font in the marketing collateral for his new film Poor Things — starring a very Lorde-y Emma Stone. I can’t quite wrap my head around whether I think it’s a genius move or whether I’m a pandering sycophant. Hard to say. If only I were self aware.
BREAKING: Jared Leto climbs walls
Diminutive weirdo and alleged teen-appreciator Jared Leto climbed a wall in Berlin. After scaling the dizzying heights, roughly four metres from the ground, he has now taken his death-defying act to Paris.
It is understood that Morbius star Jared, who is 51, was seen being filmed during his Berlin act by an “illusionist TikToker” by the name of Younes Zarou. Younes makes videos that look like this. Reports have been unable to confirm whether Jared’s herculean wall-climbing was also filmed for an illusionist TikTok — but all we can do is take a deep breath and pray that it indeed was.
Who knows what’s next for ostensible cult leader Jared. Will he climb a third European wall? Only time will tell. After a scrape with death in a 2020 climbing incident, in which is his safety rope began to fray at 600 feet, I’m just happy that he’s still able to get his little grippers back into action.
One thing can be said for certain — there is going to be one JUICY docuseries made about that man one day.
I (don’t) want to believe
Couple things: UFOs are called UAPs now, and extraterrestrials are probably coming for you and everybody you love.
As per the Guardian, Jonathan Grey, a current US intelligence official at the National Air and Space Intelligence Center (Nasic), has confirmed the existence of “exotic materials” to the Debrief, saying, dramatically: “We are not alone.”
Perf! But I mean, it’s not like the US Government has crafts of non-human origin.
Wait…
The former intelligence official David Grusch, who led analysis of unexplained anomalous phenomena (UAP) within a US Department of Defense agency, has alleged that the US has craft of non-human origin.
Ah, crap! It gets spookier :(
In June 2021, a report from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence said that from 2004 to 2021 there were 144 encounters between military pilots and UAP, 80 of which were captured on multiple sensors.
Well. Ok. I don’t really know what you want me to do about it. When it comes to the existence of aliens, I’d rather not know, to be honest. I have a lot going on right now and I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to worry about aliens and ships of non-human origins and the government.
Though, in the name of transparency, I have seen two UAP’s in my life — that’s more than the number of people who care about that fact.
Until next time.