I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the silliest of seasons is coming up. I love gifts, but moreover, I love giving people little gifts and trinkets like a friendly crow.
But gifting can be hard. You can’t give people something too personal (clothes, perfume, jewellery) unless they’ve specifically asked for it, and you can’t give them something that feels like work (books) unless you’re me and you have spent your whole life in a dogged pursuit of understanding what people want from you.
A lot of other gift guides are going to tell you to get someone a flask or a boring board game or a custom mug, or whatever other terrible thing. Not I. Let’s explore.
🥫 Preserves and other jarred things 🥫
I bought a hot garlic preserve at some Christmas Market in Leicester Square because the guy who made it was hot and friendly and he was listening to hip hop. The whole experience felt like microdosing being a boomer man at Hooters. But guess what, ding dong, it tastes delicious on a breakfast sandwich.
A fancy jam or preserve is literally such a nice thing to give somebody, and it’s low stakes too. It’s an especially good gift because it lasts for a long time, it doesn’t take up a lot of space, and it shows you care about someone else’s nourishment.
You get bonus points if you get something artisanal, expensive, a fun flavour, like a nice cherry jam, or a bougie salted caramel spread, chilli crisp or a truffle mayo whatever. Get silly with it, you know?
👙 Calvin Klein underwear 👙
I don’t care what year it is, or if there is a better alternative, hot people wear these. It’s science. It’s as simple as that. Give these to somebody hot.
🗡 A Swiss Army knife 🗡
Literally everybody needs one of these. I’m dead serious. Once, years ago, I bought one for a guy I was seeing and when I opened it in the office I accidentally cut myself and bled all over the office floor and some man was like “Whose blood is this?” and went white in the face. It was mine. From the knife.
About a week after I gave it to its intended recipient, someone smashed in his car window and stole the Swiss army knife from his glove box. In retrospect, the car thief was sending me a sign. I did not listen. I hope he at least enjoyed the multi-use functionality and lifetime guarantee of a Victorinox Swiss Army Knife.
💊 Magnesium tablets 💊
This says “I care about your health and I know you need these. Bad.” A power move and a thoughtful gesture all in one.
🔎 Binoculars 🔍
News flash! 2023 is the year for birding. And spying. You don’t know when you’re going to need binoculars, and they’re a lifelong treasure if they’re treated right. I assume.
🎡 A feelings wheel 🎡
I am, perhaps, a little guilty of intellectualising my feelings instead of just… feeling them correctly. That’s why we love using the feelings wheel. Well, guess what? Now you can buy a feelings wheel for anybody as a passive aggressive gesture — coworkers, parents, men etc.
🍏 Apple Airtag 🍎
For luggage and such. Perhaps also spying. If you’re careful enough.
✒️ Black Artline pens ✒️
My Dad exclusively used the Artline 200 Technical Drawing Fineliner (0.4mm) pens in his office, and the margins on all of his papers would be covered in little drawings. Like father, like daughter.
If I opened a gift on Christmas morning and it was just a dirty old tote bag filled with black Artline pens I’d be so happy and stoked. What am I gonna use, blue? Yuck.
🚬 A packet of cigarettes 🚬
Doesn’t matter if they don’t smoke or not, this could come in handy if they ever go to prison.
🪖 A helmet 🪖
Helmets are chic. Avoiding brain damage is en vogue. A nice new helmet for the cyclist in your life, what could be better? Them staying alive, probably.
🔊 Those buttons you can record sound on 🔊
These are so fun! You can also program this in advance with sound effects that you have made, like celebrity impressions, or recapping secrets they’ve told you in confidence. If you die, this will have an exponential increase in value for sentimental reasons.
📕 Annual Vanity Fair digital subscription 📕
For the most insufferable person in your life, AKA ME. Somebody buy this one for me. I want to get deep into the Richard Lawson archives. I’m not joking btw I want this, but I don’t want to pay for this.
🇮🇹 A Fornasetti plate 🇮🇹
I also want this. Dibs on this one. I love tacky Italian design, but I want it to be as expensive as possible, otherwise there’s no point. I would also settle for a candle, but only if it’s a really big one and if I approve the smell in advance.
So there you have it. That’s the only gift guide you need this year.
Me? All I want is a suite of gift cards, because I’m desperately picky. And the Vanity Fair thing. And the plate. Maybe two so I have a set. But that’s it.
Happy shopping!
xxxxx