V Bad Face, Brain Lies, Public Thirst Trappin' 😏
Could I get that margarita on the rock-rock-rocks?
Could I get that salt all around that rim, rim, rim, rim?
To whom it may concern…
Life is hard. But I’m harder. Let’s get it.
😳 SWEETIE RATES 😳
Egregious thirst-trapping
(CW: Daily Mail)
One of the only redeeming features about being famous, I imagine, is being able to call the paparazzi on yourself. Speidi does it. Emrata does it. Tori Spelling does it. Now, Jeremy Allan White, star of The Bear, is getting in on the action.
Let me get method for a second and pop into his mind for this, the thirst-trapping role of his lifetime.
Step one: get divorced at the apex of your fame.
Step two: get an utterly weird tan line.
Step three: work up a sweat. Spritzed glycerin will do if you’re in a pinch.
Step four: call the paps.
Step five: get ur pump on. Do some pushups in the dirt. Flex, FLEX like your life depends on it.
Step six: wait for the Raya messages to flood in.
While Jeremy Allan White is cute in a sexy, bug-eyed kind of way, he is never beating the Gene Wilder lookalike allegations.
This literal child
An American child, 11-year-old Paisley Gardner, is obsessed with Michael McDonald. Get in line, sweetie! Just kidding. This literally rules. Paisley was taken in blindly by the siren song of Michael McDonald, and honestly, who can blame her?
Spoiler alert…. She got to meet him. Maybe I cried a little while watching this video, maybe I didn’t. That’s my business.
I wish I was obsessed with Michael McDonald when I was 11. Instead, I was obsessed with a boy at school who described me as “Grotty.” Woohoo!
Just like Mike, she’s an icon, she’s a legend and she is the moment.
Whipped butter
Big things happening in the butter community. Whipped butter is knockin’ my socks off. That’s all. I just think it’s neat and you’ve scrolled this far, why not enjoy an inane thought of mine about dairy products? Is it illegal? I don’t think so!
😗 SWEETIE HATES 😗
This face
Quick note: this facial expression is banned until further notice.
This facial expression makes you look like you unironically say “Huzzah!” This facial expression makes you look like you queued for the Rick and Morty's McDonald’s Szechuan sauce. This facial expression leaves Reddit comments that say “If women want to be equal, then why can’t I punch them?” This facial expression just asked me if I want to play Settlers of Catan with their polycule. This facial expression pays for very specifically posed feet pics. This facial expression is favoured by people who go into a bookstore to put the bible in the ‘Fiction’ section. This facial expression has a shelf of Marvel Funko Pops, just NOT a Captain Marvel one. Soyface in another font.
I have learned that this is called Resting Bear Face, but that just doesn’t extend far enough. It doesn’t even begin to touch the sides of its chokehold on millennials across the globe, across many communities, across many Twitter profile pictures. Enough. It boils my blood.
A tourist trap
Though I am not religious, I have loved the ambience of Catholic churches for as long as I can remember. One of my favourite things to do on a little Euro holiday is to explore churches and crypts and take in the jaw-dropping maximalism, the gaudy beauty and terror that lurks everywhere you cast your eye. The gold, the velvet, the lashings of blood, I love it all.
I went to three different churches in my five days in Spain, and I know it’s gauche to go on holiday and complain — yes — but I need to get this off my chest. I thought the final church I visited, La Sagrada Familia, lowkey sucked toes. Sure, the outside of it is undeniable, it’s staggering, it’s portentous… The inside, however? Pee-yew!
It looked like the bougie level of a Westfield, it felt about as holy as a WeWork. It could have been Sketch’s bathroom or a Glossier pop up, and I would not have noticed the difference. The feeling of quiet reverence you usually get in a church was completely snuffed out, replaced by the ever-present sensation of being in the way of pictures destined for a Facebook Story.
Oh well. At least I didn’t get pickpocketed.
Prefrontal cortex discourse
Something that I love to do is to believe something for years and then when I find out it’s actually wrong I just kind of pretend I never actually believed it in the first place. Leave room for your own hypocrisy. Anywhos.
The conversation on social media about the brain’s prefrontal cortex only forming at 25, leaving your brain fully ‘developed’, is wrong and now that I know it’s wrong I find the lie exhausting. And that’s valid!
Byeeeee