Hellooooooo,
Long ass SWEETIE Weekly this week. Not sure why, tbh. Open it in your app or your browser or whatever for the whole thing. If you want. No pressure.
💟 SWEETIE RATES 💟
The World Cup
I always hated sports with every fibre of my being because I was, and remain to this day, very bad at all of them. Only in the last year or so have I discovered that, actually, watching sports is quite fun. Especially in real life. I get it now. The yelling, the drinking, the good looking men, the yelling again, it’s all a huge vibe.
Owing to that realisation, I now have World Cup fever. And honestly, why not?? Life is for living and beer is for drinking and I love pretending I understand what’s happening. What do you mean Saudi Arabia beat Argentina? Oh, you call that an “upset” do ya? That is literally so fun and dramatic and baby I do not know what the hell that means!
Anyway, here’s the official SWEETIE Ranking of World Cup cuties, in no particular order:
Jackson Porozo (Ecuador)
Nathan Aké (Netherlands)
Amir Abedzadeh (Iran)
Shoja Khalilzadeh (Iran)
Sadegh Moharrami (Iran)
Ben Cabango (Wales)
Thomas Delaney (Denmark)
Adrien Rabiot (France)
Ferjani Sassi (Tunisia)
Leon Goretzka (Germany)
Marco Asensio (Spain)
Borna Sosa (Croatia)
Bruno Petkovic (Croatia)
Munir Mohamedi (Morocco)
Christopher Wooh (Cameroon)
Srdan Babic (Serbia)
Yann Sommer (Switzerland)
Eray Cömert (Switzerland)
Fabian Schar (Switzerland)
Mohammed Kudus (Ghana)
Diogo Costa (Portugal)
Ruben Neves (Portugal)
Cho Gue Sung (South Korea)
Agustin Canobbio (Uruguay)
Edinson Cavani (Uruguay)
Don’t say I never do anything for you. If you think you can pick my type… No, you can’t. As per usual, Australia doesn’t get a look in.
So yes, we love sports now. Except cricket. Never cricket.
Public transport
I love this (…off peak). Don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I grew up without it. And also because I can’t drive. I have seen the weirdest and wildest and worst shit of my life on public transport. You can activate all five senses within the first ten seconds of stepping into the station alone. You literally never know what’s going to happen, what you’re going to smell, who you’re going to see! Not to be all Francis Bourgeois but sometimes I’ll literally go somewhere just to go on the train.
The other day I took the bus to work even though it was the slowest option because it meant I got to sit and enjoy the bus for a bit more and listen to VIRGO’S GROOVE 500 fucking times.
Being a little bit silly
My friend Jarryd was in London this week and he’s one of the silliest people I’ve ever met and I love to be silly with him. I have been in a silly deficit if I’m being completely frank with you. Sometimes you just forget to be silly, ya know? I certainly did.
❌ SWEETIE HATES ❌
Hitting a whale with your boat
The Guardian has an uncannily perfect way of publishing the most bizarre opinions and non-sequiturs, see: accidental absurdist Adrian Chiles, the inimitable Bridgid Delaney.
But this tale takes the cake for me — Experience: we were shipwrecked after our boat hit a whale. This story, if I may be so bold, is one of the most insane things I have ever read. And I have read Holly Madison’s memoir.
Don’t feel like reading it? I got you. Here’s the fastest condensed version of the story I can manage. It starts out with a guy, Zach who is married with two young daughters. Tragically, his wife, Rosie, passes away. Fast forward three years, he sells the family home to buy a 38ft catamaran from Portugal so they can take to the seas. We’ve all been there. Zach thinks, hmmm, I need someone to help me take care of my daughters, so he hires a lady called Kim. Zach and Kim immediately start dating. Of course they do.
Guess what? Now all four, five if you include their dog Nala, are on the ship, 600 miles off Portugal. It’s 10pm, the girls are asleep, Kim is in her bunk bed, a thud occurs. Kim is CATAPULTED from her bunk. No detail was included as to whether or not the girls were also catapulted. Just Kim! Hate that for Kim.
Zach rushes down, water is around his ankles already, uh oh, there’s a hole. He feels around the hole, there’s a piece of jagged wood and... Actually, I’ll let him explain it.
“Attached to it was a large chunk of grey skin with a thick layer of pink, blubbery flesh that could only belong to a whale.”
Zach, an expert on pink, blubbery flesh that could ONLY belong to a whale. So, they’re sinking. Kim is vainly scooping out water. Good work Kim. They’re throwing everything they own overboard. They run the logistics to see how long it could take to be rescued, if they aren’t rescued in a timely manner, they’ll have to get on the dinghy. But that’s ok! Surely there’ll be enough room on the dinghy for everyone 😊 Wait, sorry, what was that Zach?
“There would be no space on the dinghy for our dog, Nala.”
Oh. Not even on a lap, or? See, this is just me talking as someone who has never sold their home to buy a Portuguese catamaran, but perhaps if I were to, and this is personally speaking, go on a boat in the literal middle of the ocean, I’d like to be sure every living thing on board could fit. That’s just me though!
Kim starts making food for the dinghy. Ok Kim. But at least Zach is being an involved, calming parent. Right Zach?
“Kim stayed with the girls while I sat on the roof, chain-smoking, watching for help and preparing for death.”
I see. Very Force Majeure of you. Well, thank God Kim was keeping the girls, who are around four and seven, calm and not showing too much concern…
“Kim and I spoke of many end-of-the-world things as we waited and the girls slept.”
Well… yeah. Anyway, fast forward to 5.30am, it turns out nobody needed Kim’s painstakingly prepared food for the dinghy because they all got rescued, including Nala! Luckily everything worked out and nothing extremely tragic happened. Uh, except…
“Many of our things sank with our boat, including Rosie’s ashes.”
THEY LET ROSIE’S ASHES SINK WITH THE BLUBBERY CATAMARAN. Nobody could’ve tucked her urn under the arm? Fucks sake.
At least they were insured for a collision with a whale, right?
“We weren’t insured for a collision with a whale.”
Argh!!! I hate it when that happens!!!!
What happened to us was a valuable lesson in the frailty of human existence. It was almost biblical.
This is so true. The bible is literally full of idiots doing idiot things and also there are whales, I think.
For every aggravating detail this story includes, it neglects to explain so much. What happened to the whale? What kind of whale was it? What food was Kim making — sandwiches? Why was he smoking on the roof and leaving his girls to fend for themselves?? Why in the ever-loving Christ could not one person grab the ashes? Couldn’t they have left Rosie’s precious ashes perhaps at home for this particular journey, so that this exact thing would not happen?
If you’re feeling helpless, don’t despair, you can always donate to their GoFundMe so that Zach can start building tiny houses and eventually… Get back to sea. I wish I were joking.
I hate this soooo much. I need to lie down in a dark room with a damp hand towel over my eyes for a little bit.
Spotify Wrapped
Not interested, thanks so much though. I really do not need to know how many times I listened to Imma Be by the Black Eyed Peas and the whole Punisher album. Again.
I know last week I said I cared about people’s dreams, but you know what I don’t extend that level of care to? Your Spotify Wrapped screenshots on Instagram Stories. Wow, you listened to a lot of Turnstile, huh? That’s awesome dude. That’s so fucking cool. I love that for you. Keep me out of it next time though, alright buddy?
Miles Teller
Whiplash slaps, but ever since this profile on him came out I cannot take this man seriously to save my life. Something a bit off about him. He has a dark aura. I sense a deep well of anger within him. That’s just me, though.
Until next time 🥰️🥰️🥰️🥰️🥰️🥰️