Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,
Nothing of note to open with this week. I am on day five of tonsillitis and the lack of nutrition from being unable to swallow has rendered me ineffectual. I am nothing if I cannot eat three packets of Penn State sour cream & chive pretzels per week. Nothing!ย
So letโs not faff about, time to geddit in the SWEETIE Weekly.ย
๐ SWEETIE RATES ๐
This emoji ๐
What is this guy, a goblin, a wizard?? You know what, it doesnโt matter. Iโm enamoured with him. Looking at him makes me so HAPPY.
I love his sloppy posture, his wholesome little face. He has โitโ. He has je ne sais quois. Quite frankly, his humble charm shits all over George Clooney. What I wouldnโt do to have him shyly proffer me a freshly foraged mushroom. I bet he smells like mildew. I bet heโd keep all my secrets safe.
Letโs call him Franklin. 10/10 emoji.
SWEETIE BONUS: Hereโs a quick tutorial on how to use Franklin in conversation.ย
IG Close Friends
Nothing makes me click on an IG story faster than seeing that irresistible green circle. Finding out youโre on someoneโs Close Friends list is more of an honour than being invited to their wedding. Itโs like surpassing an emotional paywall.ย
Sometimes the content is bland, with people posting mild gripes and petty complaints, but usually itโs juicier, people thotting themselves out (go off!) or soft-launching a new boo. Me? Iโm just happy to be there.ย
Once a feature I scarcely thought to use, now Iโm in that green circle absolutely tearing it up. One minute, a thirst trap for nobody, then a cry for help, then a monologue. Iโm doing pieces to camera, Iโm spilling secrets, Iโm making a mess of myself. Itโs much manicured than my BeReal (which is BoRing tbh). My IG account is private already, making my Close Friends a veritable members club for my list of hostages โ friends, acquaintances, people who have the ~right vibe~.ย
Itโs the perfect place to pretend youโre posting for multiple people when youโre actually just posting for somebody you have a crush on. I havenโt done that but I wouldnโt put it past me, either.
Making hyper-specific playlists
One of the easiest ways to stump me is to ask me what kind of music I listen to. I used to be way into music, and now Iโm dead. Hand me the aux, though, and Iโm ready to be a press play DJ. Itโs all thanks to one of my favourite hobbies โ making hyper-specific Spotify playlists.ย
Can I interest you in White Man Busking? Gold Coast Cub Simulator 2011? What about Dad Tunes? Or Featherweight In Da Ring, which exists in case I spontaneously join a wrestling league and need a walk-on song?
I implore you to take stock of a time in your life, even a fleeting sensation, and build your own soundtrack around it. Even if you donโt listen to it after making it. ESPECIALLY if you donโt listen to it after making it.
If there is a way to condense a single feeling into one neatly organised list, Iโm frothing.ย Yes I am a Capricorn.ย
๐ฃ SWEETIE HATES ๐ฃ
That little straw taste test thing that bartenders do
I get it, we had to swap from perfectly functional plastic to vile paper straws because we were killing the turtles. But you know who is actually to blame for all that straw waste? Bartenders. Bartenders killed the turtles.
WHY do they have to do the little dip-and-taste manoeuvre with a straw when theyโre making a drink? And then they make a big show of throwing the now-wasted straw straight into the bin!ย Itโs absurd. You need to do a little taste test to make sure the millionth Old Fashioned you made tonight tastes right? Get the hell outta here.
I was out the other week and the bartender leaned across the bar and handed me a full cocktail shaker, asking me to shake it up for him. I was floored. Thatโs like me asking him if he wants to sit hunched over in a bed thatโs covered in clean laundry and cobble together a ham-fisted newsletter each week. They canโt keep getting away with this buffoonery.ย
Sims 4
Update your mental dossier, I am now officially off The Sims 4. How the mighty have fallen. We had our fun, but after too many interpersonal issues caused by a recent update, it is simply no longer an enjoyable game. The Sims themselves are no longer pansexual freaks whose every move can be flawlessly dictated, they now go off-kilter, starting drama with any random Sim and causing emotional disarray wherever they go.ย
In completely, totally unrelated news, I also realised that the only reason I liked playing the Sims was because of the militaristic level of control I was able to wield over some version of life. Probably a normal and fine mentality to have. Letโs move on.
Saying โslayโ
Slay is out. Itโs done. We killed it. Yank it out of the vocab before itโs too late, because itโs going to be old hat soon โ mark my words.ย
SEE YA SWEETIES ๐