Hi SWEETIE pies πππ
Shout out to my flatmate Laura, who told her friend of how I recently decreed that tattoos were out of fashion and he said something to the effect of βThatβs dumb. Who even said that?β
This feedback is what I live for. Before being a woman, before being chronically online, I am a nuisance, a pot-stirrer, a cheeky little rascal, and I always will be.Β
Even though itβs only the end of October, I am already working on my 2023 list of ins and outs. TBH Iβm usually right, but I can only hope that they mildly infuriate people. Canβt wait. I love mess!
π¦ SWEETIE RATES π¦
Shark tracking
New hot girl activity has dropped. Weβre shark tracking now. If you want to be hot now you have to love sharks and shark conservation and you have to log onto OCEARCH every morning to see who has pinged and where theyβre going. Itβs true! I only kind of make the rules.Β
You do have to steel yourself, though, for when a shark stops pinging and you assume a terrible fate has befallen them but desperately hope otherwise. Come back Louise!!!
Science is amazing. Sharks are amazing. Steven Spielberg must atone for his sins.Β
Kim Cattrallβs Closet Picks
Kim Cattrall is an icon, truly a gold-star celeb for the ages. Hereβs a quick refresher as to why in case you, an ingrate, have forgotten:
Scatting clip. Obviously.Β
Comedic genius. Far and away the best character/actor on SATC. Carrie who?
Her feud with Sarah Jessica Parker. If you ask me, which you did not, I think SJP is likely in the wrong.
The fact she narrowly missed out on boarding the Lockerbie Bombing flight?? And the reason she missed it was because she had to go to Harrods?? Ok queen.
Her quote from a Guardian interview that brought us this headline.Β
She was Britneyβs mother, and also just mother, in Crossroads.
Despite the hard yards she has already put in, she has won me over yet again with her gorgeous and enchanting Closet Picks vid for the Criterion Collection YouTube.
Listening to her talk about Brian De Palma and the plight of female directors in those dulcet tones is the closest I have come to believing ASMR is actually real and not something that was made up for attention.Β
She loves CINEMA. I love HER. Cat Peopleβ¦. Mrow!Β
Manipulating yourself
New mental health hack is here! All you have to do is manipulate yourself. Itβs kind of like an offshoot of CBT, except itβs faster and less annoying. Never do I ever want to have to look around and name five things I can see and four things I can hear. I do NOT like to be aware of my surroundings. Especially late at night.Β
Hereβs how it works: every time I start to get caught in the loop of an anxious thought, I just say βRelax.β Thatβs it. βRelax.β It literally shakes me out of a downward spiral every single time. If somebody else ever had the audacity to say that to me I would commit a felony, but when itβs coming from me, itβs honestly fail-proof. Relax! Relax. Try it and tell me Iβm wrong.Β
π SWEETIE HATES π
Bimboism
If there really is a hell, thatβs where youβll find Hugh Hefner.Β
I canβt think of anything more boring and reductive than referring to yourself as a bimbo in 2022. At best itβs gauche and outplayed, at worst itβs just lame and kind of embarrassing. Yet, it still ripples across the internet with surprising temerity.Β
It is not unique or interesting enough of a claim to be subversive, not funny enough to be worth the self-deprecation. Not really empowering to play into a dull narrative that misogyny froths over. As Bethenny Frankel once sagely said, βYou can't play stupid and smart at the same time.β
I know, Iβm a drag, a gender traitor. Choice feminism now translates into meaning that weβre supposed to accept literally anything a woman does and consider it empowering, simply because she chose to do it. Yawn. Perhaps instead of βbimboβ you could say βI modelled my personality on Paris Hilton, who is only capitalising off the pretence anywayβ or even βHey, Iβm a fucking idiot.β See how that goes.Β
This tweet
Letβs do a thought exercise real quick. Think of the most annoying person you know β I can guarantee at one point they have posted this to their IG story or quoted it verbatim within the last two years.Β
Iβm genuinely worried about what this statement has done to peopleβs brains. It projects an intellectual superiority without ever having to prove the merit of your critical thinking skills. Itβs a dog whistle for smug Buzzfeed adults. This rhetoric stems from, and is perpetuated by, the kind of people who own a Daenerys Targaryen Funko POP, believe Benedict Cumberbatch is bae and behave like the insufferable main characters in Booksmart.
An opiate for the losers. What are you critically analysing, the twerk scene in She Hulk? Why not try critically analysing your terrible personality, hm?
When a straight man calls himself βsex positiveβ
Yeah buddy, I bet ya are! Shocking development. Tell me another one.Β
See u wouldnβt wanna be u xxxx