Hi!
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, can you believe it’s already May? We barely even had to put up with the AWFUL it’s ~gonna be May~ memes this year. Perhaps there really is a God.
Time for your weekly serving of slop!
🤠 SWEETIE RATES 🤠
90 minute movies
I don’t mean to sound like either a curmudgeon or a Funko Pop collector but sometimes… Movies are too damn long. I feel bad for saying that because of the severe decline of cinema, but also, there comes a time in every marathon film effort where I have to pee and check my phone and look in the fridge and stare aimlessly at a wall for a bit. Three hour movies, the majority of the time, palpably feel like three hour movies.
Look, I love that Martin Scorcese is making those long-ass movies, I do! I think it’s fab. I love that for him. I will be watching his upcoming 3 hour and 26 minute film Killers of the Flower Moon in manageable chunks — most likely within the next five years or so. Sometimes it’s hard to gauge what my schedule is going to look like. But I will watch it. Probably.
Anyway, 90 minute movies are where it’s at. Not too short, not too long, 30 neat minutes allocated per three-part story arc. 90 minutes is tidy. 90 minutes is quick. 90 minutes is a show of restraint. It’s also the length of just two episodes of Vanderpump Rules. What could be better than that?
Here are some 90 minute movies I like:
All That Heaven Allows
What We Do In The Shadows
Best In Show
Paris Is Burning
Shiva Baby
Run Lola Run
They Came Together
Finders Keepers
Frances Ha
Anomalisa
Rope
Blue Jay
The Daytrippers
Jesus Camp
The Naked Gun trilogy
Werner Herzog’s Wrestlemania Obsession
Director, action star, a man fluent in German, English, Spanish and Greek, an intellectual powerhouse and, stunningly, a man utterly fascinated by WWE — Werner Herzog is the picture definition of multifaceted. Here is an article by GQ that has collected every public reference Werner has made to his fixation with wrestling, and boy are there quite a few.
The man just loves talking about wrestling. I get it. I have seen two WWE Smackdowns in my time, and I was thoroughly enamoured. There really is nothing quite like witnessing the spectacle of choreographed crotch slamming while drinking a $12 beer in the nosebleeds.
He repeatedly mentions Jesse Ventura, but I would eat my shoe to know what he thinks about the character of The Undertaker, about the sexualisation of the female wrestling cohort, about the ballad of Chris Benoit.
Also, while we’re on the topic of Werner, I just love his explanation of realising John Waters’ is gay after being friends for 35 years. It’s actually a lovely parallel to the wonderful moment Britney Spears realised Ryan Seacrest is straight.
Taylor Swift and Matty Healy
As I am someone who seems to despair at all possible celebrity relationships, I bet you thought this gossip would be firmly placed in my hate camp, but you’d be wrong. Embarrassingly so, I’m sorry to say.
I once wrote a SWEETIE Hates segment about The 1975 frontman Matty Healy and decided not to publish it because I figured it was too mean (!), yet this pairing has really put a smile on my dial. Forget her love of baking, cats, wine and SVU, potentially dating full-time eejit Matty Healy is actually the most relatable thing about Taylor Swift. Leaving a safe, long-term relationship only to end up rebounding with a greasy moron that nobody who cares about her likes? She’s so real for that.
With rumours swirling that Taylor may be entwined with a man fathoms below her, the Swifties are distraught.
Taylor, so careful, so cunning, so in control of her image, may have done something so fittingly left-of-field that I’ve almost forgiven her for actively advancing climate change.
True gossip heads know that rumours about Taylor and Matty first swirled many moons ago, when Taylor wore a 1975 t-shirt and Matty was photographed wearing a Taylor Swift 1989 shirt in 2014. Nothing interesting happened from there, but they seem to have struck up a friendship since.
Now, they’re… Publicly communicating their love through jumbotron screens? Ok!
Matty was just at Taylor’s Eras Tour stop in Nashville where he performed with opener Phoebe Bridgers and *gasp* stayed the night in her *gasp* condo! The girl he was seeing before is posting of her heartbreak on Twitter AND Instagram. Me? I hope they have a baby. Let’s keep this party going!!!
And to be fair, I guess any potential new boyfriend is better than when she dated, you know, a literal high school student who was 17 when they met. So. Love wins?
🥺️ SWEETIE HATES 🥺️
Whoever hexed me
Well, well, well. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. After the high highs of last week, after my rare yet sincere proclamation of joy, one of you fuckers went ahead and hexed me. After I specifically asked kindly, may I add, not to be hexed! Whatever voodoo you employed, it worked a charm. I am reporting to you live, riddled with covid. For the second time! On a long weekend!
In a cruel twist of fate, I tested positive on the day that WHO declared covid to be no longer a"global health emergency.” I beg to differ. In my world, which I am the capricious centre of, it is very much still a cause for crisis.
I’m fine, thank you for worrying though. There’s nothing a bath, a series of big sleeps and a cheap, hot, cheesy pizza can’t fix. Also, ever the health-anxious queen, I have been vaccinated four times. The worst of it is over.
It’s not all bad. I am currently only dealing with arguably the worst covid symptom — looking ugly — but I’m on the mend. This is a great opportunity to spend more time with my precious, precious screens, but still, please don’t hex me again. It’s really mean!
Saying “put it in rice” as a joke
Have you tried putting it in rice? No. Have you tried tying a plastic bag around your head? Have you tried letting go of this old ass joke?
Sourdough
Sourdough, your days are numbered as the current default bread. I blame the pandemic for the ascent of sourdough. The covid pandemic, I mean, of course. That reminds me, did I mention I have covid? Never mind.
Sourdough. It’s boring. Dare I say most of the time it’s too sour? Is that too far? Have I lost my damn MIND? Maybe. But if I have, it’s because I have covid. Can’t remember if I mentioned that little detail before.
Too much?
👋 BYE 👋