Some people write bleary-eyed poetry in their iPhone notes, some have a list of everyone they’ve ever slept with. Upon searching my notes, I found a series of cries for help in the form of throwaway sentences, three-year old to-do lists and dispatches from the fraught period of time in my life where I kept food diaries.
I thought I would share the highlights with you, mostly because I have little to no shame. These aren’t ranked, but they are… Something!
I have been humbled many, many times by men and this is just one of them.
You will not be surprised to find out that this man absolutely demolished my life. Burned it to the ground, quite frankly. This was probably one of the most chill ways he disrespected me.
If you’ve been playing along at home, I am ashamed to say this is the man to whom I gave a knife which got “stolen” out of his “car.”
Yikes!
This might be too niche to share, but this note from 2018 where I would entertain myself by emulating the kind of horrible hack copywriting that King St food establishments favoured at the time. These are, or were all real places — Shenkin an Israeli cafe, Arepa OZ and Haikiki, a divine Turkish ice cream place.
Might pop these in my portfolio, actually.
I still stand by this. Carrie Bradshaw would 100000% canonically know Ghislaine Maxwell.
Also, Charlotte would probably try to schtup Epstein and be manically confused as to why he is not interested in her.
Samantha would know about the human trafficking all along and not do anything to stop it lest it damages her positioning on the social ladder.
Miranda would say something victim-blamey in an effort to make some kind of witty quip but then probably do some pro bono advising after being yelled at during brunch.
A simple note, Hemingway-esque, I distinctly remember desperately scribing this after two or three wines. This is a great song, and I am glad to be reminded of it again. Though, ever the stickler, it is not “to” it is “with” which is probably more respectful than my lush version.
Probably not very original but I can’t bear to check and see how many times this exact phrase has already been tweeted. I remember thinking this was a hilarious (???) sketch idea. I do not make sketches.
Not to toot my own horn but uhhh 🚨 genius alert 🚨
If only, like most of my ideas, I had followed this through — typo and all.
I coulda been a contender. I coulda been a #girlboss greenwashing icon who has #democratised and #disrupted the conscious partying industry. I coulda been somebody. Instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.
Nice! Despite writing this in 2019, I have never done this.
As cringy and capitalist as it may sound, this is true and this is also my literal current life. Manifesting queen!
In my defence, this is a fact that still strikes me as an impeccably strange choice of entertainment on a plane. While it’s an immaculate film, a masterpiece in the art of documentary, can you literally imagine watching this on a screen the size of a tupperware container over someone’s shoulder two aisles back? You may as well watch Shoah.
Through an intoxicating mixture of under-employment and poor mental health, I became obsessed with the first season of Zumbo’s Just Desserts in the fugue of 2018 (yes, the King St copywriting era.)
With all due respect, Adriano Zumbo may be the most awkward person to ever appear on the screen — perhaps even the most awkward person to appear on planet earth. He is perpetually uncomfortable, an utter black hole of energy, which cannot be counteracted by editing, set design or the over-acting of his co-hosts.
For all intents and purposes, Zumbos’ Just Desserts attempts to turn Mr Bean into Willy Wonka. Zany he is not. Zumbo bumbles his way through each interaction, imparting some neutral platitudes here, oh-so-carefully critiquing the contestants there. I adore him!
I’m firmly convinced that really nobody else watched this show. This YouTube video with 90k viewers is the only real evidence it exists.
I also love how this typo of “in” instead of “on” makes it seem like I’m hobnobbing enough with Australia’s television elite to be able to make personal judgements on their character.
The most recent of my notes and surely the most aggressive but… Am I wrong? Something about the whole ‘gut health’ thing screams SCAM to me. I also hate how that phrase sounds. Needs a rebrand. I like “tummy germs.”
Until next time.