The Laugh Crying Emoji, “Ha”, Soft Launches 🎀
Is the ‘SWEETIE Weekly’ in the room with us right now?
Hey sexy,
This week is a puzzlingly phone-heavy edition of SWEETIE. I have been trying to spend less time on my phone lately, and instead of making my brain disentangle itself from social media and text etiquette, it seems to be pontificating on it near-constantly. That’s probably good.
Also, the Vegetable of the Week this week was sweet potato. Write it in your journal.
Let’s go.
😂 SWEETIE RATES 😂
“Most men are just some guy”
Nothing changed my outlook on having crushes quite like this Tumblr post by a user called flickerman. I first saw it in my late twenties, when I had a habit of dating losers men that weren’t always that nice to me, and it rooted itself in my brain. It’s true. Any time I think about some man who has made me feel sad or adrift, I think of them crossing paths with my Dad, a stranger to them, and my Father saying “Mmm, odd fella.”
This concept also sometimes strikes when I see a random straight man on the train, on the bus, at the pub and half-cut, and I know with certainty that some woman, somewhere, has probably cried herself to sleep over him. It’s sobering to say the least. Most men are just some guy. Take them off the pedestal. Perfect timing for Valentine’s Day.
Thank you flickerman. I salute you flickerman.
The laugh crying emoji
It’s been well-established that I have feelings about emojis. Well, at least one, anyway. The laugh crying emoji draws so much visceral hatred. I get it. It’s cringe. But counterpoint, and hear me out: no it’s not.
Picture yourself as a wide-eyed adolescent, dreaming about what you’d one day experience on this vast and unknowable earth. Now, knowing that, reconcile with the fact that a literal emoji makes you upset. When you pictured your life, did this factor in?
It’s functionally insane to me that we have such tightly regimented rules around tiny pictures of emoting semi-humans. Have fun! Lighten up! Just get silly with it!
I hear you. You say, “Chill out, it’s not that deep.” Yes it is! You’re the one that's weird about an emoji! I am going to continue to use it in its intended form, because I am brave, an advocate, a trailblazer. I stand for the rehabilitation of the laugh crying emoji’s reputation. Justice for the laugh crying emoji 😂
My donut rule
One Krispy Kreme: That’s the dream
Two Krispy Kreme: Prepare 2 scream
Krispy Kreme and a half: You’re having a laugh
I posted this on my Instagram Close Friends in a rare moment of clarity, obviously while I was eating Krispy Kreme. To me, it was genius.
I tend to eat for pleasure, which is all divine and lovely until you forget that your taste buds connect to your stomach. Every single time I eat Krispy Kreme I eat two or three or four like a naughty little Hans Christian Andersen character and end up with STABBING stomach cramps.
Not now, though. Not with the donut rule. You may use it for other donuts you come across but it kind of doesn’t really work like that because of the cadence of the rhyme. Try it out though. If you want. No pressure.
💤 SWEETIE HATES 💤
Saying “ha”
The Cut article on etiquette or rules or whatever clickbait shite they were doing from a couple of weeks ago is a fucking mess, let’s be clear, but they did hit the nail on the head with this piece of advice:
Why not, instead of replying to me by saying “Ha”, you shoot me in the head with a gun? We all know that “k” is a no-no unless you’re being passive aggressive, but it’s about time the culture had a conversation about the international implications of “ha.”
It’s evil. It’s rude! I don’t like it at all. I truly would rather be left on read. If you really need a shorthand way of showing something was vaguely humorous… Boy do I have just the emoji for you.
Soft launching
Soft launching sucks and it’s dull and it’s hauntingly calculated. Bring back hard launches. Bring back context. Bring back naming names.
Whether it’s soft launching with a glimpse of someone’s hand across a table, two wine glasses, a pair of matching Adidas Sambas, it’s all so BORING. You do not have to keep the mystery alive for your 500 social media followers. There is no mystery. You are not a celebrity. We frankly do not care about any of the Easter eggs you’re sprinkling into your Instagram story so you can try and casually tell us you’re dating a 35 year old man you met on Bumble.
I think we need to start posting people on the second date or not at all.
I can’t sing
In my dreams I am Jennifer-Holliday-And-I-Am-Telling-You-I’m-Not-Going levels of brilliance and resonance. But no, I am just a nasally, soft mess. And that’s just my speaking voice! Hehe. Just jokes.
Not being a naturally gifted singer is one of my greatest sources of despondency. Though, I think we can all agree, I would be the most insufferable person ALIVE if I could sing. Do you know how often my housemates would have to hear me singing the Chicago soundtrack? It pains me to even ponder.
Have a fun and fab week. I don’t want to spoil it but Vegetable of the Week this coming week? Peas. You heard it here first!
xxxx